He took everything that was beautiful and turned It sick twisted and wrong, I don't enjoy the beauty In the world around me because all of It is somehow tainted by his lies and his hurt. I don't like opening my windows or seeing clouds In the sky because as I lay there with his heaviness upon me the clouds were my distraction. He came like a thief In the night breaking Into my body and stealing everything I had, I laid there and let him do as he wished and let my mind take me to far off places, places that existed on the other side of those clouds. I was outside of my body watching from far far away, and pretending I was somewhere else. I couldn't let reality seep In because the reality was too much to bare. Even now, In this moment I don't know how I'm alive, how can I still be here? This pain literally crushes my heart everyday, destroys my mind and disgraces my body. How am I still here? When I starve myself how do I survive? When I over eat to stuff all my feelings down my throat how do I live like that? When I cry enough tears to fill the ocean how do I wake up the next morning? And when the pain is to great that I have to grab on to something solid and drop to my knees from anguish how does it not swallow me whole? Even when I don't want to, somehow I'm still fighting to survive. Something Inside me won't let what he did destroy me.
I haven't written anything In a little while, sometimes I am ashamed to even be writing my thoughts here, like writing them makes me even dirtier, more disgusting. I know he was the one who was was wrong, the one who was dirty and horrible, someone could tell me that 100 times over and over again but I still can't believe It. I feel used up, like an old paper towel. Like he used me to wipe his hands then tossed me aside. Does it make me filthy that sometimes I miss the attention he gave to me? I was his princess he told me I was his favorite child, that he liked me more then my siblings. And I believed him, I longed to remain special, and to see the way his eyes lite up when he looked at me. Yes he hurt me, and he hit me, belittled me, used me like trash but that must have been my fault If I would've just behaved he said than he wouldn't have to hurt me, If I would've just stopped crying then he wouldn't have to give me a reason to cry he told me. It's so hard to see the big picture here. To see that I was a small child, small, weak, defenseless, and ill equipped to handle a situation that he put me In. As much as I tell myself that I should have done more to stop It, I know deep down that there's nothing that I could've done. I don't believe In fate or things happening for a reason but I believe that things happen and you do the best you can. I was tiny and was given a life that most adults couldn't handle. I did what I could to survive It, I lived.
Staying alive was really the best I could do with the little that I had.
