A Bad Day

A bad day doesn't mean i am not healing
It doesn't mean i did anything wrong

it doesn't mean everyday i am not dealing
growing to become someone strong

A bad day means something else entirely, it means I am still here
breathing, fighting, and growing. So lets get somethings clear

I am a goddamn lion, a warrior.

And now I am free, I am important, I am love, i have a place
I am not the scars that exist nor the tears that stream down my face

Daddy thought he won. Trying to beat the will out until i had no words left to say
But I fought through it all and i rose above
 I grew my wings and i flew away
and into the arms of a new family who taught me the true definition of love

A bad day reminds me of just how far i've come
It is not a setback nor does it undo all the work that i have done

A bad day is just that, A bad day
So keep going girl, tomorrow will be better anyway

LOVE

I am surrounded by so many people, all of these friends that love me and i can't help but wonder how did i get here? How did i find this? I had no one and i felt like nothing. I wanted so badly for someone just to touch me. Place a hand on my shoulder, hug me. Any kind of human contact. I was dying with out it. Sinking into a black hole in the earth. And here it is. Here is love. Here are arms embracing me. I found a place to call home and it not a house but in the hearts of people with spirits so beautiful that they don't even seem real. Is this real? Sometimes i think i made it up, made them up. That really there is no love. How can it be real? It doesn't make sense that once i felt so dead and empty, a ghost floating around the earth. Just an empty shell with broken bits of a girl inside. And now to feel so alive and vibrant and here, and solidly placed with my feet on the ground. I sometimes don't even recognize the sound of laughter coming from my own lips or the unfamiliar feeling of smiling to much. Is this me? Is this happening? How can I be that same dead girl that was so invisible and missing so much? Yet none of those missing parts seem to matter much anymore. Maybe it will always surprise me that people are even capable of loving me or that I am even capable of loving them in return. Surprising that i can even open myself up those arms and arms of people. Surprising that i'm even still here, alive everyday to feel this.

School

I sit here at this computer registering for college two months shy of turning 24 and feeling so incredibly old. It seems as if a lifetime of time and experiences have already touched me. I have no idea who I am or what i want or what I like. In some ways i still feel like a child. So inquisitive and open to new things. Ready to get started and learn and grow and become someone. Then there's this other part of me that says "hush now...you can't go back to school. You can't do this. People like us don't go to college. We work and we get tired and we get worn out and we live in the real world." I hate that other part of me because it makes me feel as if i don't deserve this. As if i did something wrong and don't deserve to have a career that i can be proud of. I know I do deserve a future. I deserve a life. So I don't know why i feel as if i don't. I missed so much already. 18 years spent in hell and several after spent in a different type of hell that i was creating for my self in my own head. I just feel so old. So tired and used up. I've already lived a life. One of a million years. How do I begin this new one?

Long Time

Its been so long since I've written anything. It's like I've  been afraid of my own words. Afraid to let them out because that makes them to real. It always seems so much easier to hold everything in and try to ignore it. But in reality you never realize how hard it actually was until you let it flow out of you. I'm overflowing. And I'm exhausted. Without therapy right now I'm back to having only you to talk to diary. No one in the real world understands me. I feel like an outsider to all of them. I feel like i don't know how to even be alive anymore. How can it hurt so much to just exist? Sometimes I forget for awhile. Sometimes I can laugh and run and play and forget and be this other girl. And then there's a shift, a sudden change in my universe and it all comes crashing back down reminding me of where I came from and what happened to me. It's bad enough to just deal with life everyday, money stress and just trying to make it in this world but then added on top of all of that is the reality of what I went through and not having any family there to catch me when I feel like I'm falling. I can't stop these dreams and flash backs and the body memories are back. They went away, why did they come back? I just need someone to sit with me and listen to me and hold me and tell me it's okay even tho I know that it isn't.

Last night I dreamed I was on an airplane flying home and it was night time. I got off the plane and had to catch a bus. By the time I got to my stop it was after midnight and I had a long walk to my house. In the darkness I saw three men and knew that they looked suspicious but couldn't avoid walking past them anyways. So I went as fast as I could, trying to avoid their stares and the smiles on their faces. But as expected they chased me, caught me, and took turns raping me. Then I ran away barefoot, clothing torn, and my body broken. I ran away like I did from my dad's house 5 years ago. And they took their turns on me like his friends used to.

I'm so sick and tired of being surrounded by rape. Its all I think about, it's all I remember. Its like I wasn't even ever a person, it's like I was just born a rape victim. Born to be hurt, born to cry and scream my muted screams where no one hears me. Sometimes I feel like I'm nothing more then this. As hard as I try and fight and work and grow it never seems to be quite enough because in the end this always comes back to haunt me. Stop haunting me, please let me sleep.