Old Post Then And Now

Old writing I found:

I hate remembering new things all the time. I hate how dirty It makes me feel. I hate knowing what was done. I hate seeing his face or remembering his smell. And I hate remembering my cries and screams that went unanswered. I hate myself. When I look In the mirror I see that dirty girl he saw. I see her as being undeserving of love or attention. I see the worthlessness, ugliness of her every part. I see what he saw In me. Everything bad that he did  I see this when I close me eyes, I see It when I open my eyes. Its always with me, making me remember. I remember hiding In the closet as I heard his footsteps. And I remember the numbing calmness that came over my body as I saw his shadow covered  the light that seeped In. I remember the door opening and the light falling over me, then hands grabbing me, dragging me out. I remember always being found.

I felt dead, breathing and heart beating yes. But dead Inside. A person would have to be dead to endure pain like that, pain that tears through your entire body, paralyzing every limb. A real person can't survive that, so I left my body. I left It there for him to do as he wished with. I went to away to happy times, I laughed with my friends, I ran at the park, I sang In my car seat In the car. I went everywhere I could except to go back to that room, In that bed, at that moment. I stayed away until he was done, then I could come back, then I could go back and sit In the closet, and then I could cry.

Why would anyone hurt a person like this? I was soo tiny and  he tried with his every strength to break me and tear down all of me. Sometimes I feel that he won. I'm still dead, walking around In this body barely existing, barely here, never feeling, never accepting, never dealing. Pushing the pain away

 How I feel now:

I still hate remembering new things, I don't think that will ever really change. However now I can view it differently. Before I saw it as this horrible trick my brain was playing on me trying to destroy my life. Now I see those new memories as what they are...memories. They are apart of me. They complete my story, show me where I am, how far I've come and how strong I am. If I wasn't strong enough my brain wouldn't show it to me. So I don't welcome them, but I refuse to shut them out anymore. If they come they come. I've accepted it.

I don't hate myself anymore, I love myself now. When I look In the mirror I don't see that dirty girl that he always told me I was. I see me now, a strong woman who doesn't have to hide in closets or fear the darkness anymore. I don't feel dead anymore I feel alive like electricity is running through my veins instead of blood. Even in my darkest moments I am still alive, I can feel all the pain and not just be a ghost void of emotion walking this planet.

He didn't win. I may be struggling and everyday and it may be a fight but I'm here and I'm strong. I'm accepting what has happened, I'm surrounding myself with kind, caring people who build me up and allow me to rely on them for strength. I am now far beyond where I was when I wrote those words above.

My Story

In two weeks I have support group again and we got to pick the topic. We all voted and choose the topic "Telling Our Story". I thought this would be interesting for me to think about because I have never sat down and thought about it all, everything that happened to me. It's time.

Timeline of the abuse:
0-3 > Molested often, no beatings or emotional abuse yet. I remember him being really kind, which just      confused me more because it make me think when he does those things that he loved me and is just being nice.

4-8 > This is when the rapes started and continued for the entire four years, nearly every night. It was routine. Violence started between 3 and 4 and slowly just got worse. But it was worse for everyone in the family, not just me.

8-11 > This is my happier time. Mom and dad divorced. It was just me and her. Tho she was mentally and physically ill life with her felt like paradise compared to what it had been.

11 > Life came crashing down on me. Mommy sent me to visit the devil. I hadn't seen him in 3 years. I remember getting on the plane to see him. I remember walking through the front door of his house, and I remember the room, the bed and that the windows had bars on them. I remember feeling trapped. And that's all I remember. Two weeks just completely gone. I don't know what happened in those two weeks but I hope I never do.

12 > Mommy decides shes lonely and wants to marry the devil again. I beg her not to but she does anyways. I'm to old for what he wants now tho. No longer a little girl. Now I look grown up and the events from my life have just aged me that much more. He comes back angry. Not only am I not a cute little girl like he likes but now he risks being found out if he continues to rape me. So the beatings start, belittling, neglect, and he begins to make unreasonable demands. I start working this year, and now have bills to pay to him. They pull me out of school and home school me, but teach me nothing, I work to pay him.

13-15 > These years mush up together. Its all violence, or me having to work, or going back to school, or being taken from school. Walking for miles just to get to school with out a ride from a parent or bus money. Not eating, this is when cutting started. These years hurt a lot more then the others because I felt like I couldn't take life anymore, after everything I was just hurting to much

15-16> Parents split again, she was tired of him hitting or yelling at her. So we move out. I'm now working full time and still home schooled but actually studying and getting A's. I am now solely responsible for my mother. He had told me she was my responsibility when I was 12 but he still watched her for me when I worked. Now she was all on me. Now she started being violent towards me, overdosing on medication while getting drunk. Almost burning down the house several times. Trying to kill me in my sleep on multiple occasions. I slept with my bed against the door. Left for work or school out of my bedroom window. Returned through the front door to check on her and feed her then when back around to my room through the window. This was my new routine.

16 > This is running away, staying with friends, staying with my sister, or my year to just get away. My mother had decided to be with my father again and I couldn't bare the thought of going back so I ran.

17 > I went back, she was getting sicker, he was getting more violent towards her. I know the drugs, drinking and mental illness was going to kill her soon. I had to protect her for as long as I could. His violence escalated and turned to me. But that was okay, it was better then the rapes. And she wasn't being hurt. I could take it. He would chase me through the house to pretend like he was going to rape me. It was all just to scare me. I would come home from work and walk through the front door and duck right as he chucked a 20 pound weight at my head. Being kicked with steel toe boots. The list could go on and on. Mostly at this age everything would be done to keep fear in me. He like pinning me down, I think just to show me he was still bigger, still stronger then I was.

18 > Now working two jobs to pay bills to him, in college, have a boyfriend and am never home he gets angrier that I wasn't watching my mother anymore, so I expected to be hurt in some way whenever I came home, which was rarely

18.5 > Mom dies of drug overdose. He makes me feel bad for him. He had just lost his wife, his children hate him. I stay.....months of no abuse. Final straw: He calls me and tells me to bring him home dinner after my class. Class was over at 10:30. That's strike one I was late. He wanted two burgers instead of the one that I got him. That's strike two. I am fed up and as he is sitting there screaming and calling me a selfish bitch I lose it and throw the fast food bag at him. Strike three. Everything happened in slow motion. Him rising from the chair, me running through the apartment, trying to close the door to my room and lock it, him busting the door down, throwing me on the bed, pulling me to the edge so hes directly on top of me. Pinning me down, his full weight on me, his disgusting smell, the reeking of alcohol on his breath, and him trying to rip my clothes off. It all so vivid in my mind still. Tho four years ago it seems like yesterday. This wasn't happening to me again, I had to get away. I started kicking him, he fly's off of me gets up and lunges at me madder then ever. I kick again he falls, hurt this time I get up and run, out of the apartment, down the stairs and far far away from him.



Through all of these years there were still other things that happened that didn't make that list. The multiple car accidents I was in with my mother as she over dosed on medicine and nearly killed us. Me driving at 12 everyday to protect us. Her worsening mental state, getting locked up in institutions and hospital holds, or going missing for days leaving me alone with him. Me being treated like a slave girl for all those years cooking, cleaning, paying bills, running all the family errands, being made to be a grown up long before my time. Not to mention her violence towards me, trying to stab me or suffocate me if I would hide her drugs or alcohol. My whole life was made up of fear or being given roles that I wasn't meant to have. Sleeping with my door locked with my bed pushed against it. I was scared to breath, to move, or to speak.

I have to face all of these things because they all made me who I am. But I am also much more then this. I have risen from the ashes, from the lowest possible places, somehow surviving all of that hurt and pain. Now I wish to make something out of the life I have left. I am 22 yet at times I feel 82. Like I have lived an entire lifetime and now I'm looking back on my life. It WAS a lifetime I lived. A lifetime of hurt, that ended at 18. Now I have been born over again, I am a new person, a butterfly bursting out of its cocoon. I'm starting over as something new and beautiful, leaving all that other stuff hanging there in the past to rot.

Sharing At Support Group Last Night

 I was so nervous. (Did I mention I decided to go back to group? No well I did, this is my second one and I feels soooo right this time. I walk in there feeling like that's where I'm supposed to be) I felt so stupid for volunteering for the long share(15 minutes) because I didn't feel ready, or strong enough to do something like that, but I was ready. I shared about how my shame over what has happened has infringed upon my life, how the guilt eats away at me tho I know my four-year-old self was blameless. I shared, I actually talked and It was awesome. I went in there feeling broken, and beaten down from the events of last week. And I left feeling liberated and free. I feel like that boulder that I usually struggle to carry alone has been cut in half and someone is helping me carry whats left.

After the meeting was over as one of my friends from the group was leaving I told her I wanted to talk to her really quick. I told her what happened in therapy last week. I talked about the flashback, the rape at four. All of it. And I'm still here, I talked about the rape out loud and I'm still standing. I didn't explode like I've always felt that I would. I have NEVER talked about the rapes out loud before. Not even in therapy. I beat around the bush, I write it down, I never say it. I never thought I would be able to. But last night a little voice popped into my head and said "Tell" so I did. I feel like i just leaped over 10 stairs instead of taking 5 steps backwards like I usually feel like I do.

I am strong, I am not going to hide his secret anymore. I vomited them all out with my words and by doing that removed some of the power they have had over me.

Its like watching a cut heal before your eyes. That's how I feel right now :-)

Operation Be A Kid Again

This is my list of things I never got to do as a kid, got to do but want to do again or just things I wanna try as an adult that have nothing to do with childhood. This list could be call Operation Happiness but I call it being a kid again because doing all of them will give me that feeling you get in childhood. That feeling of carefreeness, were nothing matters and everything is happy and fun and exciting, I want that feeling. I want fun. And I want to take back my childhood that was torn away from me so violently. I am taking all my horrible, sad, hurtful memories and putting happy ones in there place. The ones with the stars next to them are ones I have done so far. If they have multiple stars i did them again :-) I'm documenting everything through photos. So when im  done i will have a scrapbook, kinda like how a mom documents her children childhood  for them. I'm mothering myself.

1. Wear a tutu in public *****

2. Double Dutch again

3. Do a photo shoot*

4. Be a model for a day (these two go hand and hand unless the modeling is cat walk)

5. Learn to skate board

6. Go to Disneyland

7. Take an art class

8. Take a Ballet class

9. Take a cooking class

10. Perform in a dance recital or compete

11. "Build a bear" at the workshop

12. Go to the fair and actually ride the rides

13. Get my face painted *

14. Go on a boat ride

15. Throw a huge dress-up themed slumber party

16. read 10 books in two weeks ( i used to set goals like this for myself as a kid)

17. Audition for a movie role

18. Watch all my favorite old Disney movies in one day*

19. Fly a kite

20. Take a road trip for a silly reason Example: Drive through tons of different city's just to stop at every store the have that sells Hello Kitty stuff, or drive cross country for a shoe store lol!

21. Play hookie from work and have a day of fun

22.Go swimming in a lake at night

23. Swim with dolphins

24. Be in two places at once (yes its possible)

25. Enter one of my drawings into an art show

26. Go to Hawaii

27. Go to New york

28. Go to Bali

29. Go to Europe

30. Go to Africa

31. Make a video on Youtube and go viral

32. Get dressed up, go to a tea place, and have a tea party. Hat, white gloves, scones and all!

33. Food fight

34. Learn to play the piano

35. Learn to play the guitar

36. Learn to play the drums

37. Go paint balling

38. Spend a whole day painting in Color Me Mine or Paint a dream*

39. Learn to Hulla Hoop *

40. Learn to Hulla Hoop with more then one hoop

41. Make my own short film

42. Make a music video (for #41 and 42 see #31)

43. Run around outside without shoes on! (like a kid)*

44. Go whale watching

45. Learn to surf

46. Sky High with friends(a place made up entirely of giant floor to ceiling trampolines)

47. Join a Roller Derby team

48. Ride in a limo

49. Drive a race car

50. Ride on the back of a motorcycle*

51. Tie Dye something*

52. Picnic in a field in the middle of nowhere

53. Ride in a hot air balloon

54. Ice cream for dinner*

55. Make up a city wide scavenger hunt

56. Learn to cart wheel and back flip again

57. Hide and Seek at night *

58. Spend and entire day at the park

59. Spend hours playing in a toy store*

60. For one month pick one day a week to dress however I want (make it interesting like a kid would)

61. Join a soccer team

62. Take a kick boxing class

63. Climb a tree

64. Build a giant sand castle

65. Build a giant Leggo castle*

66. Get on a plane and fly somewhere far just for food. Example: New York for cheesecake haha

67. Race...ride... in a race car

68. Play in the sprinklers

69. Star gazing*

70. Dress up in an entire Hello Kitty outfit

71. Make a giant cardboard car....get my friends, go through the drive through, order food

72. Make a GIANT ice-cream cookie sandwich*

73. Archery lessons

74. Fencing lessons

75. Learn to knife throw

76. Build a model airplane

77. Go fishing

78. Get some of my writing published

79. Write a children's book (these 2 can go hand in hand or can be separate)

80. Graduate from a school and actually attend the ceremony

81. Start a "friendly" dodge-ball competition

82. Play street ball with neighborhood people

83. Bubbles!*

84. Zip-lining

85. Climb a rock wall

86. Pet a Giraffe

87. See a waterfall in person

88. Send a "message in a bottle"

89. Make a fort

90. Go Horse Back riding

91. Go sightseeing

92. Order room service

93. Walk on a tight rope

94. Monster truck show

95. Go apple picking

96. Spend a year doing a nice thing for at least one person everyday

97. Complete my bestfriend bucket list with Lana

98. Catch fire Flies

99. Whale Watching

100. Have a love like Allie and Noah ( The Notebook)

101. Work on a farm

102. Complete a wreck It journal with my bestie

103. Skinny Dipping!

104. Ride on an elephant

105. Three legged race! *

106. Cliff jumping into the water!

107. Paint fight!

108. Get matching best friend tattoos

109. Raise money for a charity with a best friend

110. Write a song and perform it

111. Witness a wedding proposal

112. Hold a monkey

113. Cruise the world

114. Make every single thing in a recipe book

115. Ride a mechanical bull

116. Finish an entire coloring book

117. Learn to juggle

118. Lay in the road in the middle of the night with a guy (Like In The Notebook)

119. Throw a dart at a map and travel where ever it lands

120. Get a small tattoo that means a lot*

121. Change someone’s life

122. See Paramore and Adele  in concert

123. Take a trapeze class

124. Hold a butterfly in my hands

125. Swim in every ocean

126. Write a love letter

127. Receive a love letter

128. Party on a yacht

129. Ride in a horse drawn carriage

130. Ice skate in Central Park

131. Smash a pie in someone’s face!

132. Play in a human hamster ball!

133. Carve something in a tree

134. Sit on top of the Hollywood sign

135. Drive- in movie

136. Sleep on the beach*

137. Ride in a gondola

138. See Cirque Du Soleil Live

139. Go parasailing

140. Flash mob

141. Watch the sun rise on a cliff

142. Learn how to speak French

143. Disney World

144. Helicopter ride

145. Get married

146. Have babies

147. Move to LA

148. Learn how to go a back handspring

149. Learn to do the splits

150. Get on point in Ballet

151.

152.

153.

154.

155.

......

This list could be never ending, i can keep adding to it, and continue doing things on it for the rest of my life. Thinking about doing this stuff makes me happy :-)

Seeing more

I was sitting in therapy and at the end of my session and I told my therapist I wanted to talk to her about the memory that has been bothering me for a while now(the memory of the first rape), and I want to do it at our next session. She said "What is the biggest thing that is holding you back from telling me about it?" Me: "That It might be worse then what I remember." Her: "What would make it worse?" Me: "If it involved someone else besides just my dad."(It's as if I knew all along that it did involve someone else) as I said this everything stopped. It felt like I was floating and my breathing ceased. I was suddenly back in another time. In a different place. That unsafe scary place. I was four again. I was in a room crying, about to be raped. Standing near me were two figures, one my father, the others face I can't see. They are tying something up but I can't tell what it is. Back in reality I am now in the car, driving, hyperventilating, swerving, I pull over. I barely remember leaving therapy. I can't breath. I look down at my hands, I cant feel them they are completely numb, but not numb like when your hands fall asleep, numb like something is tied around my wrists. My ankles feel the same. The image of my father and that other person tying something up pops back into my head. I check my ankles and wrists, I wish to release what ever is binding them but I find nothing. I feel like a prisoner to my own memories. My body is remembering what my mind fought with all of its power to forget. I am powerless against these emerging memories, they have finally succeeded in breaking me, at least for right now. I feel like I've been broken and glued back together so many time that I'm missing important pieces.

And who was this person? Who was this other one that hurt me? Why must I remember at all? This was better left hidden. Someone was there participating, helping, and enjoying themselves at my expense, at my bodies expense and I had no say. This person could have helped me, could have stepped in and stopped it. Instead they joined in.

I am hurting to the core of my bones. Everything feels raw and exposed like an open wound is covering my body from head to toe. I don't know what to do or say or think or even feel right now.