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No matter how hard I try this thing, what happened to me, will always be here apart of my life. My reason for reacting certain ways, the reason I interact with people the way I do, and the reasons I make the decisions I make. That's the thing that is the hardest I think. Not the abuse or what was actually done but how it follows you around for the rest of your life, affecting everything that your life ever touches. Sometimes I wonder how I can ever have the life that I want without all of this creeping up on me once again and ruining everything. How can I be a good wife or a mother when this looms over me daily? I have grown so much and yet no matter what the amount of growth is I never seem to feel like I'm far enough away from it to actually begin my life. I sometimes feel so defective and unable to make decisions on my own. I can't live out the rest of my life this way. Something has to change. I need a shift in the universe to break me from this. Break me away from my own mind. My mind that sometimes seems like poison is growing in. I've pulled so much of the poison out, worked so hard and yet it continues to grow. How can one persons actions ruin another persons life so much? Maybe I gave him the power to ruin me so much. Maybe I allowed it by letting myself feel to much, remember to much. Maybe he's still in my head because I'm allowing him to be. But then how do I make it go away? Sometimes I actually miss those days where I had worked so hard to block the memories out that it was as if they barely existed. I could pretend to be whoever I wanted during the day and cry alone for reasons I didn't even know at night. It seems if that was easier. To pretend. Because once you stop pretending reality sets in. You realize that this is who you are, those were the people that were your parents, this is your life. And once you realize that, sometimes its too much to bare.