Something I Need To Say

There's something that I need to say, and its been a problem for much too long.
I look at the world around me and I don't like what I see. I am so entirely sick and tired to death of the way that women are treated in this world. But most importantly America. This country that I live in is supposed to be one of freedom and hope right? People come here to escape the horrible lives that they have had to live. They come here to start over and find something better. But is it really any better? Or are we still just fighting the same battles, dealing with the exact same things, but just on somewhat different levels?

I see people fighting for every right you can think of, picketing the streets, and saying "Enough is enough!" for every type of issue. Yet I don't see nearly enough being done to stop the rapes and mistreatment of women and children. Rape is still that topic that no one wants to talk about. If mentioned it can silence an entire room. When really the mention of that sort of brutality should cause an uproar to fill a room. We should be getting angry and saddened for all  who were hurt in this most unforgivable type of way. And that raw emotion should cause more people to stand up and do something about it. How can you forget that these hurt souls are your grandmothers, mothers, sisters, cousins, and friends? By being silent we are condoning the actions of the men who felt that they had the power to try to ruin their lives.

I hear men and women make jokes about sexual assault, I hear songs on the radio that say that women don't necessarily need to give consent because there are "blurred lines" and that as men know what we really want despite what we might say. I hear victim blaming everywhere I go. I myself being told to "Just get over", "You have to just move on" or "Well you should have told someone then". So then your insinuating that this is my fault? That a grown man, a father held no responsibility for raping a child, but I just a four year old little girl somehow was responsible for not only making sure it didn't happen but also that it didn't continue? But when your a small child and you are hurting who do you turn to? Who is supposed to make it better? Who is supposed to protect you and get the bad guy? What if daddy is the bad guy? Then who can you trust? Who will protect you? In that case who is it that you're supposed to run to?

Through everything I have gone through somehow I still maintained this little bit of faith in humanity and despite the horrific actions of some I try to hold on to that, however everyday that I live and breath that hope diminishes a little bit more and this world gets a little bit darker. I want to believe in the good in people and I want to believe that not every man is evil.. However what I see with my eyes and hear with my ears tell a different story. Instead of teaching young men how to be decent human beings and treat women with respect and that they have a responsibility to protect women, boys are taught how to have sex. By high school they know how to put on a condom and they know about STD's but why don't they know about what constitutes consent? If we teach them and show them that women are just meant to fulfill sexual desires and then we teach them how to have sex then how the fuck are they supposed to learn how to be decent men and value everyone and treat women with kindness? All this talk nowadays is wrong. We shouldn't be teaching men not to rape or women not to get raped. We should be teaching all children about the value of another and that no one has the right to physically harm you, force themselves on you, or guilt you into having sex with them. Telling girls that they should wear some fucking anti rape clothing is saying that we actually have the power to control whether or not a man rapes us. If we had that power we wouldn't have been raped in the first place. We would have told them no and walked away. However that was taken away from us. Blaming the victims is basically saying that men are not even human. That they function purely off of animal instinct and have no control over the uses of their own penis'. That a girl could walk by and without any thought whatsoever he would be on top of her and have absolutely no fucking idea how he even got there. So men are you animals? Do you not have the ability to make decisions on your own? Because if you disagree with this logic then victim blaming should piss you off as much as it pisses us off. It should cause you to stand up and fight for the rights of women. To show the world that you are more then just a walking sperm bank.

Somedays I picture that life that every girl does, husband, kids, nice house, a dog.... Then reality sets in and I realize that the reason I haven't found that is that there are so very few good and decent men in this world. I'm starting to be okay with the fact that I may just be alone, I may never find him, and there are other ways to become a mother. Because I would rather be alone forever and be that weird old lady on the block that is always alone and has a bunch of cats, then to be that woman who married for the sake of not being alone and got trapped with someone who can't even respect her. I deserve better and if I can't find a man that can give that to me then I can be alone. A lot of women measure their worth in their men, their kids, their houses and that perfect life that we all dreamt about as children. But we are more then that. And until we realize that ourselves how can we expect anyone else to? I will not wait for a man to tell me my worth or what I deserve, no matter how amazing he is. I will know myself.

..........

No matter how hard I try this thing, what happened to me, will always be here apart of my life. My reason for reacting certain ways, the reason I interact with people the way I do, and the reasons I make the decisions I make. That's the thing that is the hardest I think. Not the abuse or what was actually done but how it follows you around for the rest of your life, affecting everything that your life ever touches. Sometimes I wonder how I can ever have the life that I want without all of this creeping up on me once again and ruining everything. How can I be a good wife or a mother when this looms over me daily? I have grown so much and yet no matter what the amount of growth is I never seem to feel like I'm far enough away from it to actually begin my life. I sometimes feel so defective and unable to make decisions on my own. I can't live out the rest of my life this way. Something has to change. I need a shift in the universe to break me from this. Break me away from my own mind. My mind that sometimes seems like poison is growing in. I've pulled so much of the poison out, worked so hard and yet it continues to grow. How can one persons actions ruin another persons life so much? Maybe I gave him the power to ruin me so much. Maybe I allowed it by letting myself feel to much, remember to much. Maybe he's still in my head because I'm allowing him to be. But then how do I make it go away? Sometimes I actually miss those days where I had worked so hard to block the memories out that it was as if they barely existed. I could pretend to be whoever I wanted during the day and cry alone for reasons I didn't even know at night. It seems if that was easier. To pretend. Because once you stop pretending reality sets in. You realize that this is who you are, those were the people that were your parents, this is your life. And once you realize that, sometimes its too much to bare.

A Bad Day

A bad day doesn't mean i am not healing
It doesn't mean i did anything wrong

it doesn't mean everyday i am not dealing
growing to become someone strong

A bad day means something else entirely, it means I am still here
breathing, fighting, and growing. So lets get somethings clear

I am a goddamn lion, a warrior.

And now I am free, I am important, I am love, i have a place
I am not the scars that exist nor the tears that stream down my face

Daddy thought he won. Trying to beat the will out until i had no words left to say
But I fought through it all and i rose above
 I grew my wings and i flew away
and into the arms of a new family who taught me the true definition of love

A bad day reminds me of just how far i've come
It is not a setback nor does it undo all the work that i have done

A bad day is just that, A bad day
So keep going girl, tomorrow will be better anyway

LOVE

I am surrounded by so many people, all of these friends that love me and i can't help but wonder how did i get here? How did i find this? I had no one and i felt like nothing. I wanted so badly for someone just to touch me. Place a hand on my shoulder, hug me. Any kind of human contact. I was dying with out it. Sinking into a black hole in the earth. And here it is. Here is love. Here are arms embracing me. I found a place to call home and it not a house but in the hearts of people with spirits so beautiful that they don't even seem real. Is this real? Sometimes i think i made it up, made them up. That really there is no love. How can it be real? It doesn't make sense that once i felt so dead and empty, a ghost floating around the earth. Just an empty shell with broken bits of a girl inside. And now to feel so alive and vibrant and here, and solidly placed with my feet on the ground. I sometimes don't even recognize the sound of laughter coming from my own lips or the unfamiliar feeling of smiling to much. Is this me? Is this happening? How can I be that same dead girl that was so invisible and missing so much? Yet none of those missing parts seem to matter much anymore. Maybe it will always surprise me that people are even capable of loving me or that I am even capable of loving them in return. Surprising that i can even open myself up those arms and arms of people. Surprising that i'm even still here, alive everyday to feel this.

School

I sit here at this computer registering for college two months shy of turning 24 and feeling so incredibly old. It seems as if a lifetime of time and experiences have already touched me. I have no idea who I am or what i want or what I like. In some ways i still feel like a child. So inquisitive and open to new things. Ready to get started and learn and grow and become someone. Then there's this other part of me that says "hush now...you can't go back to school. You can't do this. People like us don't go to college. We work and we get tired and we get worn out and we live in the real world." I hate that other part of me because it makes me feel as if i don't deserve this. As if i did something wrong and don't deserve to have a career that i can be proud of. I know I do deserve a future. I deserve a life. So I don't know why i feel as if i don't. I missed so much already. 18 years spent in hell and several after spent in a different type of hell that i was creating for my self in my own head. I just feel so old. So tired and used up. I've already lived a life. One of a million years. How do I begin this new one?

Long Time

Its been so long since I've written anything. It's like I've  been afraid of my own words. Afraid to let them out because that makes them to real. It always seems so much easier to hold everything in and try to ignore it. But in reality you never realize how hard it actually was until you let it flow out of you. I'm overflowing. And I'm exhausted. Without therapy right now I'm back to having only you to talk to diary. No one in the real world understands me. I feel like an outsider to all of them. I feel like i don't know how to even be alive anymore. How can it hurt so much to just exist? Sometimes I forget for awhile. Sometimes I can laugh and run and play and forget and be this other girl. And then there's a shift, a sudden change in my universe and it all comes crashing back down reminding me of where I came from and what happened to me. It's bad enough to just deal with life everyday, money stress and just trying to make it in this world but then added on top of all of that is the reality of what I went through and not having any family there to catch me when I feel like I'm falling. I can't stop these dreams and flash backs and the body memories are back. They went away, why did they come back? I just need someone to sit with me and listen to me and hold me and tell me it's okay even tho I know that it isn't.

Last night I dreamed I was on an airplane flying home and it was night time. I got off the plane and had to catch a bus. By the time I got to my stop it was after midnight and I had a long walk to my house. In the darkness I saw three men and knew that they looked suspicious but couldn't avoid walking past them anyways. So I went as fast as I could, trying to avoid their stares and the smiles on their faces. But as expected they chased me, caught me, and took turns raping me. Then I ran away barefoot, clothing torn, and my body broken. I ran away like I did from my dad's house 5 years ago. And they took their turns on me like his friends used to.

I'm so sick and tired of being surrounded by rape. Its all I think about, it's all I remember. Its like I wasn't even ever a person, it's like I was just born a rape victim. Born to be hurt, born to cry and scream my muted screams where no one hears me. Sometimes I feel like I'm nothing more then this. As hard as I try and fight and work and grow it never seems to be quite enough because in the end this always comes back to haunt me. Stop haunting me, please let me sleep.

NEVER LET ME GO

Today I feel completely alone. I wish I had someone here. I miss my mom. I need someone here. I get no hugs, never any human contact. I need arms wrapping me up. Arms lovin me and keepin me safe. Why am I so alone when others have so much love surrounding them? Today is a day where im just tired of pretending to always be "okay" or "fine". I feel empty. I just need something. Something important is missing. What is that something?....family. I just need that something today. People can not survive without love. Yet I go on everyday. I just need it for one day. Then I will be "okay" for awhile. I'll be "fine" for a little longer.

Writing Exercies: 101 things I wouldn't change about myself

Part one:
 101 things I wouldn't change about myself P1

Part two:
26. I wouldn't change how unique I am
27. I wouldn't change how outspoken I am
28. I wouldn't change the way I sometimes make up words and have my own language
29. I wouldn't change my ability to make almost anything funny
30. I wouldn't change my ability to make most people laugh
31. I wouldn't change my weird since of unmatchable style
32. I wouldn't change my love of trying new things
33. I wouldn't change my compassion
34. I wouldn't change my obsession with buying books even if i don't always read them
35. I wouldn't change the way my life turned out because it made me who I am
36. I wouldn't change my goofiness
37. I wouldn't change my obsession with cleaning
38. For that matter I wouldn't change my obsession with most things. It's who I am
39. I wouldn't change my crazy personality with best friends
40. I wouldn't change my wariness of new situations. It keeps me safe
41. I wouldn't change my intuition
42. I wouldn't change my ability to read other people emotions
43. I wouldn't change my hopefulness
44. I wouldn't change my eagerness to learn
45. I wouldn't change my spontaneous attitude
46. I wouldn't change the love I have for children and how badly I want to be a mother
47. I wouldn't change being able to sense things most people can't (I'm like a dog haha)
48. I wouldn't change the fact that I told my story, and that I keep telling it
49. I wouldn't change my sarcasm
50. I wouldn't change my wild imagination

Writing Exercise: My Safe Place

Today I joined a Write For Recovery Workshop and one of the exercises was to write about our safe places~



My Safe Place

When I was a little girl I dreamed that my parents were not my real parents. Somehow these people, imposters, had gotten a hold of me and my real family was out there somewhere searching for me. My real parents were a King and a Queen from a magical land far far away and I was their princess. We lost each other and I knew that they were still looking for me. Every little girl they saw must have reminded them of me. So I drew pictures of crowns and the magical land and I taped them to my window because I just knew that they would find me. They would drive down they street and see those pictures and they would know that that's the house that I was in. They would pull up to my house in a long white limo, and I would run to them and they would take me away. They would take me away from all the anger, hurt, fear and pain that this fake family had shown me. And I would return to my kingdom. Once again I would live in that giant castle. The castle that had 200 rooms and long long stairways that took me and mommy forever to climb. There I had new siblings and we all got along. We played all day in the orchard, rode our unicorn pets through the forest, and splashed in the ponds that surrounded the yard. There was green grass as far as your eyes could see, and the weather was always perfect. Flowers blossomed always and none ever died. The flowers surrounded the back yard and some were tall enough that you could play hide-in-seek in them. There were magical fairies that played with us and would keep me company while I hid from my siblings. I would tell the fairies my secrets and they were my best friends.

Inside the house mother was always busy with something. She cooked us the best foods and cleaned the house so we never got sick. She would read us stories and sing us lullabies. This was my favoriate part of the day, sitting in her lap as she sung to me before bed, rocking me ever so gently in the rocking chair until slowly I started to drift off to sleep. Tucking me in and kissing my head I felt safe here, safe enough to sleep. I know nothing bad would happen. There were no worries in this magical land. There was no violence here and all that surrounded was love. This magicial land and all its splender kept me going through some of the worst times. Though I knew it wasn't real, the hope was enough in the moment. Every night I would pray that my real family would finally knock on the door and bring me out of this house of terror. That they would save me from the pain and let me be a child,  and I would run into their arms and forever I would stay. Sometimes I still pray for them to come, sometimes I still need arms to run into.

Alien Behavior

I feel like I don't belong on this planet. Like I am an alien and everyday I wake up and put this human suit on. I zip it up, look in the mirror, adjust it, and go out and enter the world. Desperately trying to blend with the other civilians. I don't understand their language, or their struggles that seem so big to them, yet so small to me. I don't get them, and they can not see the little green alien monster that I am inside.They see what I show them. A regular girl that hides behind a smile. I have them all fooled. They think I am like them. But I come from a different type of world. A very dark a scary place. A wasteland full of trash and rotting things. Everyone is angry there and everyone is unkind. Their are other girls aliens like me there and they go by names like Dirty, Filthy, and Shame. My name on that planet was Ugly because that what I felt inside. That's what those unkind people told me I was. I hated that horrible planet. 18 years of my life I wasted there. But then I grew up and I moved far away. The people here don't understand what it's like to live in a world that could be filled with such hurt. Or what its like to be  named Ugly, Filthy, or Dirty. We aliens work so hard to fit in, be like everyone, not stand out, or be judged for what we suffered or from where we come from but...sometimes that mask we put up, our human suit slowly starts to slip off. Revealing parts of who we really are. And sometimes when people see this, people that do not understand, they get scared. What we have gone through makes others uncomfortable. Some choose to walk away from us, leaving us when we need them most. When this happens I build my human suit tougher. Shielding more of me and pretending to be this new person. But if I need to pretend to keep these people in my life...Do I even really want them there? This suit I carry weighs me down. I need people who don't care where I come from, or how different I am. I need them to just care about me. The real me. Not who I try to be for them. I need people that will help take the weight of the world off my shoulders. If I am different, if I am a little green alien not like everyone else then I think its okay to be who i am. It's okay to be different. I will never return to that place I came from. This is my home now and I don't want to blend anymore. I want to stand out. And I want to support all of the other people out there that don't fit in either. By being different we form a solid union of uniquely similar people. We are all different and that makes us all the same. And we should all be able to live without judgements. Not having to hide where we come from or be ashamed of a life we had no control over. I'm tired of hiding me. I am who I am. I come from where I come from. You either except me or you don't. You either love me or you don't.

 I went to an art workshop (hosted through my support group) it was called the I Can project. We write out I Can and I Can't statements and destroy the I Can't and use the I Can's to make some form of art. I made a tree and In case you can't read my words on the photo my I Can's say: I can be loved, I can find love, I can dream, I can have a future, I can be safe, I can speak, I can grow, I can be happy, I can enjoy life, I can live in the moment, I can trust, I can find peace, I can stop expecting the worst, I can create, and I can be who I am. Then the I Can't statements are the ones falling off the tree on to the ground. I only wanted to put a couple. They say I can't be happy, I can't trust people, and I can't talk about my past...so those aren't even true anymore but that's how I felt before. (the whole point of this project is to include your hands in the actual art) so I did a cut out over it in tissue paper...kinda like i'm holding on to all those I Can statements. Definitely want to do this again. It was very empowering.

Dear Diary...I'm Falling

Do you ever just feel like you falling? Like when your having a dream and  you fall off a cliff and you wake up kicking and trying to grab hold of something. That's how I feel when I'm awake. Like I'm not really here. Like the ground suddenly just shifts from under me and I fall, and I'm constantly kicking and searching for something to grab hold of. Something or someone to save me. But I just keep falling. Sometimes It's like I'm falling into a never ending tunnel. I'm being swallowed up by the earth. These dark memories wash over me and I start to fall to my death and there's nothing to drag me out and save me. I am so tired of kicking and fighting and always searching for that thing to save me. What if that thing doesn't even exist? What if I'm wasting my time and all of my energy just grabbing at thin air? I wait and I wait and I wait for the big SMACK. The sound it makes when I've stopped falling. When all that pain is finally over but that never happens. Something always pulls me back up, helping me gain my footing again. But why? Why wont it let the pain just be over? What is saving me when I feel like I can not even save myself? Why am I here fighting so hard everyday, fighting to just exist? Everyday seems like effort to just be. Breathing and existing, carrying on in this world takes so much effort. Why am I fighting so hard for a future that most times seems so bleak and unsure. What If this is my forever? What If forever I stay this broken, hurt, sad, little shell of a person...if I do then what is my purpose for fighting so hard? I wish someone could tell me. Help me understand. Tell me that one day things will be okay. That one day I will be stronger, wiser, better. And soon I won't feel like I'm falling anymore but like I am solidly placed in this world. That my life has a meaning, that all my fighting, and suffering, and searching, and agony was not in vain. 

For whatever reason I keep going. And I don't walk I run. I don't know why I run but I've been running for 23 years. I run knowing that that cliff can appear at any moment, knocking me down, sucking me in to the darkness. But I always make it out. Then I start running again. Running away from the past and all the memories from it. I don't know why I run. I don't know why I fight. I don't know why I continue to search, but I do. Maybe one day I will know why. Maybe finally I will reach that destination that my legs so desperately want to take me to.

Therapy No More

Wednesday was my last day of therapy. My sessions ran out with her and now its time for me to move on to someone else. But I haven't found anyone else yet. I thought it would be easier to say goodbye. I didn't realize it would be like this. How do you say goodbye to someone who kept you alive? How do you even tell someone that they helped keep you alive? I don't know where I would be if I hadn't started coming to therapy but it wouldn't have been in a good place. I just.... I finally found someone to talk to that listened to me, someone that i could tell all this awfulness to instead of keeping it locked up like i normally do and now that has been taken away from me. How am i supposed to trust someone else with these horrible secrets? I don't understand why everything is changing all at the same time right now. And I'm not ready to be away from her. It's too soon but I have no choice. I tried to be strong, I didn't let myself cry in there. When she asked me how I felt about it I just said It sucked. Then I broke later. When I was alone. I can't let anyone else see how dependent I am on her or the therapy because I don't wanted to feel like a freak. I just want to be normal, whatever that is. I am just so tired of everyone leaving me. And my mind just can't comprehend how someone who has been such a huge part of my life and healing can now be someone I never talk to again. I can't just never talk to her again...How will I survive? Ugh..I feel like a crazy person... Why can't I just get over it? Why am I crying so much? I knew it wasn't going to last forever....I wish I could just get over it and move on. I need to stop being so dependent on therapy and people. Because in the end they all leave...they only one I can trust is myself.

How much was I worth?

How much did they pay you daddy? How much was I worth?
Was I a good girl, doing the things you had showed me since birth?
You told me I was growing and said I was meant to learn the women's way
So I laid on my back with out asking questions, because to you I would always obey

You told me there were games to be played, but please daddy tell me, what was the objective?
What was I meant to learn?
I learned how to hate my body but more then that to hate the person that I am.
YOU planted that seed of hatred the first time you touched me the way a father shouldn't
Then every time you returned for more you watered that hatred
And it grew and spread like weeds through my body, taking over and attacking my every part
It started with my heart, wrapping itself around then strangling the life out of it
Next it moved on to my brain. Burying memories in the dirt there for me to find later
So was that it? Was the object of those games to show me that you owned me?
To get inside me more then just physically but mentally,
To leave parts of you there so never would I forget those lessons?

How much did they pay you daddy? How much was I worth?
Was I a good girl, doing the things you had showed me since birth?
You told me I was growing and said I was meant to learn the women's way
So I laid on my back with out asking questions, because to you I would always obey

I left  that body and I sat far away as you put your heavy weight on that little girl.
I watched her scream and I shushed her so as not to make you angry
I watched your hands and pull up her dress
And as I watched the life go out of her eyes I decided it was to much to see
So I left the room, I ran out the window and into the sky
I bounced on the clouds as they changed shapes and became other things
Wishing I could become a different thing

How much did they pay you daddy? How much was I worth?
Was I a good girl, doing the things you had showed me since birth?
You told me I was growing and said I was meant to learn the women's way
So I laid on my back with out asking questions, because to you I would always obey

You stood over me with that man talking and laughing, money exchanging hands
I laid there but could not understand the words that were said
You spoke a different language, it was the language of men,
Of all men who hurt little children, and only these men can understand it
But you translated to me using your body.
And when I cried your fists interpreted the words I could not comprehend 
 How much did they pay you daddy? How much was I worth?
Was I a good girl, doing the things you had showed me since birth?
You told me I was growing and said I was meant to learn the women's way
So I laid on my back with out asking questions, because to you I would always obey

But then something happened and I could no longer bounce on those clouds
I fell from them and back into the girls body
You took out your rope and tied up my wrists to the bed posts
Closing my door, you left me alone with this man
He climbs on top of me just like you did daddy
I try to reach the clouds but they are to high
I am glass with many cracks
His actions causes it to shatter into a million pieces, falling on to my pink sheets

 How much did they pay you daddy? How much was I worth?
Was I a good girl, doing the things you had showed me since birth?
You told me I was growing and said I was meant to learn the women's way
So I laid on my back with out asking questions, because to you I would always obey