He took everything that was beautiful and turned It sick twisted and wrong, I don't enjoy the beauty In the world around me because all of It is somehow tainted by his lies and his hurt. I don't like opening my windows or seeing clouds In the sky because as I lay there with his heaviness upon me the clouds were my distraction. He came like a thief In the night breaking Into my body and stealing everything I had, I laid there and let him do as he wished and let my mind take me to far off places, places that existed on the other side of those clouds. I was outside of my body watching from far far away, and pretending I was somewhere else. I couldn't let reality seep In because the reality was too much to bare. Even now, In this moment I don't know how I'm alive, how can I still be here? This pain literally crushes my heart everyday, destroys my mind and disgraces my body. How am I still here? When I starve myself how do I survive? When I over eat to stuff all my feelings down my throat how do I live like that? When I cry enough tears to fill the ocean how do I wake up the next morning? And when the pain is to great that I have to grab on to something solid and drop to my knees from anguish how does it not swallow me whole? Even when I don't want to, somehow I'm still fighting to survive. Something Inside me won't let what he did destroy me.
I haven't written anything In a little while, sometimes I am ashamed to even be writing my thoughts here, like writing them makes me even dirtier, more disgusting. I know he was the one who was was wrong, the one who was dirty and horrible, someone could tell me that 100 times over and over again but I still can't believe It. I feel used up, like an old paper towel. Like he used me to wipe his hands then tossed me aside. Does it make me filthy that sometimes I miss the attention he gave to me? I was his princess he told me I was his favorite child, that he liked me more then my siblings. And I believed him, I longed to remain special, and to see the way his eyes lite up when he looked at me. Yes he hurt me, and he hit me, belittled me, used me like trash but that must have been my fault If I would've just behaved he said than he wouldn't have to hurt me, If I would've just stopped crying then he wouldn't have to give me a reason to cry he told me. It's so hard to see the big picture here. To see that I was a small child, small, weak, defenseless, and ill equipped to handle a situation that he put me In. As much as I tell myself that I should have done more to stop It, I know deep down that there's nothing that I could've done. I don't believe In fate or things happening for a reason but I believe that things happen and you do the best you can. I was tiny and was given a life that most adults couldn't handle. I did what I could to survive It, I lived.
Staying alive was really the best I could do with the little that I had.
Sweet darling, I've been reading your blog today and I feel so much hurt inside of me right now. I don't share your experience although I was a broken child too. My parents fought all the time, there was always blood, drugs, police, ambulance, suicides and violence. I got hit I don't know how many times and then I went and married a man who belittle me too and told me I was garbage for 5 out of 6 years of our marriage. I finally left him a year ago, I've left my childhood too.
ReplyDeleteWhat you have endured is by far more extreme than what I lived because nothing, nothing in the world compares to this kind of rape.
It is not you. Please stop referring to yourself or your thoughts as filthy. You were only a child, you needed to be loved, you should have been loved.. I am a mother myself and I shower my son with so much love that he is spoiled beyond limit. Every child needs that. It is not your fault that you wanted love and attention in an environment where you were being used, abused, belittled and raped.
Please keep writing to let it out. However, you must promise that you will use this writing process to heal and to start counting your blessings from the day that you left that crazy situation.
As a child I went to see a therapist and she taught me something that is so simple and effective that I will never forget it.
She told me that irrespective of what I am going through in life I can compare myself to a prisoner of my circumstances. However, as with every prison cell, my prison has a window too where I can see beyond the circumstances. I can choose to be the kind of prisoner who looks at the barren ground outside of my prison. I can see the dirt, the stones, the infertile land. Or else, I can choose to look at the sky, to see the stars, to see the ever changing shapes of clouds and to see the light.
I choose to look at the sky and eventually I left behind my prison cell because as an adult you can finally move out of those circumstances and create your own reality.
It's in your hands now. Keep writing.
Wow thank you for that that Is an inspiring way to look at things. In most ways I have already broken free from my prison. I have friends who care about me, a job, and a new life far far away from all that hurt. The only prison bars left now are the ones In my mind, the memories that come back to me at the most random of times and still have so much control over my life. I am working on this. I want to come to a place one day where It's something that happened to me but Isn't who I am. But right now I'm just starting this journey of trying to move past what happened to me, so when I look In the mirror all I see Is this and I do see filth but I know one day this will change. One day at a time.
DeleteI am deeply sorry for the violence you endured and witnessed as a child. No child should ever have to live that way, I am soo glade you left that situation and the hurtful marriage. I hope you are happy now :)
Thank you for taking the time to read/comment, and I'm sorry If my words caused you pain and to relive anything.
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