Rape Defined

Rape is like being ice cold and burned to the hottest degree all at the same time. Its like being a glass vase dropped from the ledge of the tallest building, scattering to a million pieces. Rape to me is like screaming out as loud as you can while also falling completely mute in the same moment. Its as if I can feel my father, those men, all of them reach into my soul and rip out everything that held me together. They disconnected all of my connections. I became disconnected from life, love, and from existing. Rape connected me to new things. It taught me to live in fear. Rape taught me to blame myself. And to never to trust. To always question the motives of every man because, men always have expectations. Rape taught me that my value was worthy only in a bedroom, on my back.

Rape told me I was unworthy of love in the eyes of my god because of the dirtiness I feel. Rape took my tears and held them hostage, telling me that I wanted it, telling me I had no reason to weep. When I wished to speak of it, rape bound the skin on my lips. Sealing them like glue to keep the secrets intact. Rape taught me that I am a toy to be played with by men and that my duty on this earth is to supply their demand. And supply I did because rape taught me that it wasn't rape. Rape made me believe this happened in every household.

 Rape made me grow up, far to fast, and in much to painful of a way. Rape tried to get me to believe that my body was meant to be hurt, used and betrayed, that this is what It I was made for. Rape taught me to despise my skin and this body that my soul inhabits. So I sought to destroy it. Rape is responsible for so much and yet there is still more that can not be explained in words. Feelings without names, sensations with out cause, pain with out injury, the things the haunt me. Mere words can not explain the extent of damage of which rape has caused. The damage I wear as an oversized crown on my head. Hanging in front of my face and obstructing my vision. Causing me to trip and lose my balance as I walk this road through life.

Rape violently took away a parent, yet more then that it took away experiences I never got to have. A relationship that would never thrive. Daddy was responsible for all of this torment. Yet I loved him inspite of it. I searched high and low, near and far to find the love I was meant to have from him. But all I found was this twisted kind. Still I accepted it because, it was all I had.

Today the memory of rape still hurts like a punch in the chest, only now its a softer blow. Today I have glued back together my scattered pieces and yes maybe I am cracked and yes maybe some of the pieces will forever be missing but I have found enough to make me whole again. My screams are no longer muted. I found my voice. A voice I always had except today I found the courage to use it. Today I blame him and find my worth in this world through my own thoughts and  actions and not the actions of another. Today I am reconnected and finding my place in this world. Today this pain can no longer restrain my life like those ropes that bound my wrists. I can heal, I can grow.