My Prayer

God please help me. I come to you because I no longer feel deserving of your love. I am dirty and I know that you can not accept me. I am used up like trash and there is nothing left of myself to offer to you. The smell of all those men reeks on my flesh, hot showers do not remove the stench. I feel forever tainted and unworthy of your guidance and love. I am as a phony in your house. I should not have come to your place of worship. I feel like an outsider there not deserving of the information that so many others take for granted. I am sorry that I am unholy, that I am the sin of this earth. The filth of my hands should not grip your bibles. My mind is destroyed with the images that play in it, I can no longer absorb your truths. Please god forgive my unrighteousness.

AMEN



I wrote that recently and everyone can tell me a million times that I am not the one who is dirty. But I can't help how I feel. In time I hope to move past this. But with new memories resurfacing and showing me the bitter truth of how bad things truly got I can not go to god in this moment. I will keep my distance for awhile. I'm sure when I am ready he will be there waiting for me.