Long Time

Its been so long since I've written anything. It's like I've  been afraid of my own words. Afraid to let them out because that makes them to real. It always seems so much easier to hold everything in and try to ignore it. But in reality you never realize how hard it actually was until you let it flow out of you. I'm overflowing. And I'm exhausted. Without therapy right now I'm back to having only you to talk to diary. No one in the real world understands me. I feel like an outsider to all of them. I feel like i don't know how to even be alive anymore. How can it hurt so much to just exist? Sometimes I forget for awhile. Sometimes I can laugh and run and play and forget and be this other girl. And then there's a shift, a sudden change in my universe and it all comes crashing back down reminding me of where I came from and what happened to me. It's bad enough to just deal with life everyday, money stress and just trying to make it in this world but then added on top of all of that is the reality of what I went through and not having any family there to catch me when I feel like I'm falling. I can't stop these dreams and flash backs and the body memories are back. They went away, why did they come back? I just need someone to sit with me and listen to me and hold me and tell me it's okay even tho I know that it isn't.

Last night I dreamed I was on an airplane flying home and it was night time. I got off the plane and had to catch a bus. By the time I got to my stop it was after midnight and I had a long walk to my house. In the darkness I saw three men and knew that they looked suspicious but couldn't avoid walking past them anyways. So I went as fast as I could, trying to avoid their stares and the smiles on their faces. But as expected they chased me, caught me, and took turns raping me. Then I ran away barefoot, clothing torn, and my body broken. I ran away like I did from my dad's house 5 years ago. And they took their turns on me like his friends used to.

I'm so sick and tired of being surrounded by rape. Its all I think about, it's all I remember. Its like I wasn't even ever a person, it's like I was just born a rape victim. Born to be hurt, born to cry and scream my muted screams where no one hears me. Sometimes I feel like I'm nothing more then this. As hard as I try and fight and work and grow it never seems to be quite enough because in the end this always comes back to haunt me. Stop haunting me, please let me sleep.