Old Post Then And Now

Old writing I found:

I hate remembering new things all the time. I hate how dirty It makes me feel. I hate knowing what was done. I hate seeing his face or remembering his smell. And I hate remembering my cries and screams that went unanswered. I hate myself. When I look In the mirror I see that dirty girl he saw. I see her as being undeserving of love or attention. I see the worthlessness, ugliness of her every part. I see what he saw In me. Everything bad that he did  I see this when I close me eyes, I see It when I open my eyes. Its always with me, making me remember. I remember hiding In the closet as I heard his footsteps. And I remember the numbing calmness that came over my body as I saw his shadow covered  the light that seeped In. I remember the door opening and the light falling over me, then hands grabbing me, dragging me out. I remember always being found.

I felt dead, breathing and heart beating yes. But dead Inside. A person would have to be dead to endure pain like that, pain that tears through your entire body, paralyzing every limb. A real person can't survive that, so I left my body. I left It there for him to do as he wished with. I went to away to happy times, I laughed with my friends, I ran at the park, I sang In my car seat In the car. I went everywhere I could except to go back to that room, In that bed, at that moment. I stayed away until he was done, then I could come back, then I could go back and sit In the closet, and then I could cry.

Why would anyone hurt a person like this? I was soo tiny and  he tried with his every strength to break me and tear down all of me. Sometimes I feel that he won. I'm still dead, walking around In this body barely existing, barely here, never feeling, never accepting, never dealing. Pushing the pain away

 How I feel now:

I still hate remembering new things, I don't think that will ever really change. However now I can view it differently. Before I saw it as this horrible trick my brain was playing on me trying to destroy my life. Now I see those new memories as what they are...memories. They are apart of me. They complete my story, show me where I am, how far I've come and how strong I am. If I wasn't strong enough my brain wouldn't show it to me. So I don't welcome them, but I refuse to shut them out anymore. If they come they come. I've accepted it.

I don't hate myself anymore, I love myself now. When I look In the mirror I don't see that dirty girl that he always told me I was. I see me now, a strong woman who doesn't have to hide in closets or fear the darkness anymore. I don't feel dead anymore I feel alive like electricity is running through my veins instead of blood. Even in my darkest moments I am still alive, I can feel all the pain and not just be a ghost void of emotion walking this planet.

He didn't win. I may be struggling and everyday and it may be a fight but I'm here and I'm strong. I'm accepting what has happened, I'm surrounding myself with kind, caring people who build me up and allow me to rely on them for strength. I am now far beyond where I was when I wrote those words above.