Seeing more

I was sitting in therapy and at the end of my session and I told my therapist I wanted to talk to her about the memory that has been bothering me for a while now(the memory of the first rape), and I want to do it at our next session. She said "What is the biggest thing that is holding you back from telling me about it?" Me: "That It might be worse then what I remember." Her: "What would make it worse?" Me: "If it involved someone else besides just my dad."(It's as if I knew all along that it did involve someone else) as I said this everything stopped. It felt like I was floating and my breathing ceased. I was suddenly back in another time. In a different place. That unsafe scary place. I was four again. I was in a room crying, about to be raped. Standing near me were two figures, one my father, the others face I can't see. They are tying something up but I can't tell what it is. Back in reality I am now in the car, driving, hyperventilating, swerving, I pull over. I barely remember leaving therapy. I can't breath. I look down at my hands, I cant feel them they are completely numb, but not numb like when your hands fall asleep, numb like something is tied around my wrists. My ankles feel the same. The image of my father and that other person tying something up pops back into my head. I check my ankles and wrists, I wish to release what ever is binding them but I find nothing. I feel like a prisoner to my own memories. My body is remembering what my mind fought with all of its power to forget. I am powerless against these emerging memories, they have finally succeeded in breaking me, at least for right now. I feel like I've been broken and glued back together so many time that I'm missing important pieces.

And who was this person? Who was this other one that hurt me? Why must I remember at all? This was better left hidden. Someone was there participating, helping, and enjoying themselves at my expense, at my bodies expense and I had no say. This person could have helped me, could have stepped in and stopped it. Instead they joined in.

I am hurting to the core of my bones. Everything feels raw and exposed like an open wound is covering my body from head to toe. I don't know what to do or say or think or even feel right now.