I was so nervous. (Did I mention I decided to go back to group? No well I did, this is my second one and I feels soooo right this time. I walk in there feeling like that's where I'm supposed to be) I felt so stupid for volunteering for the long share(15 minutes) because I didn't feel ready, or strong enough to do something like that, but I was ready. I shared about how my shame over what has happened has infringed upon my life, how the guilt eats away at me tho I know my four-year-old self was blameless. I shared, I actually talked and It was awesome. I went in there feeling broken, and beaten down from the events of last week. And I left feeling liberated and free. I feel like that boulder that I usually struggle to carry alone has been cut in half and someone is helping me carry whats left.
After the meeting was over as one of my friends from the group was leaving I told her I wanted to talk to her really quick. I told her what happened in therapy last week. I talked about the flashback, the rape at four. All of it. And I'm still here, I talked about the rape out loud and I'm still standing. I didn't explode like I've always felt that I would. I have NEVER talked about the rapes out loud before. Not even in therapy. I beat around the bush, I write it down, I never say it. I never thought I would be able to. But last night a little voice popped into my head and said "Tell" so I did. I feel like i just leaped over 10 stairs instead of taking 5 steps backwards like I usually feel like I do.
I am strong, I am not going to hide his secret anymore. I vomited them all out with my words and by doing that removed some of the power they have had over me.
Its like watching a cut heal before your eyes. That's how I feel right now :-)
That's good :) I'm glad you are feeling at least a little bit better, I'm still here if you need to talk :) You are right YOU ARE STRONG. You took a BIG, no I take that back, an HUGE step forward, and that is good!!! :) I Wish you the best of luck!!! <3 HUGS <3 Just remember it is good to push yourself, but Don't push yourself too much, because if you push yourself too much then you recovery period freezes, and you get REALLY Overwhelmed... It it is hard to tell when you have pushed your self too much, but You WIll know IF/When you have... You did something very hard, but you waited until the time was right that's good! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks! And hugs back. Yeah im takin it slow but I'm on a roll now, I wanna get this healing process movin forward. Tired of being stuck in on place. So I'll be careful but I can take it so I'm good. Thanks!
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