Do you ever just feel like you falling? Like when your having a dream and you fall off a cliff and you wake up kicking and trying to grab hold of something. That's how I feel when I'm awake. Like I'm not really here. Like the ground suddenly just shifts from under me and I fall, and I'm constantly kicking and searching for something to grab hold of. Something or someone to save me. But I just keep falling. Sometimes It's like I'm falling into a never ending tunnel. I'm being swallowed up by the earth. These dark memories wash over me and I start to fall to my death and there's nothing to drag me out and save me. I am so tired of kicking and fighting and always searching for that thing to save me. What if that thing doesn't even exist? What if I'm wasting my time and all of my energy just grabbing at thin air? I wait and I wait and I wait for the big SMACK. The sound it makes when I've stopped falling. When all that pain is finally over but that never happens. Something always pulls me back up, helping me gain my footing again. But why? Why wont it let the pain just be over? What is saving me when I feel like I can not even save myself? Why am I here fighting so hard everyday, fighting to just exist? Everyday seems like effort to just be. Breathing and existing, carrying on in this world takes so much effort. Why am I fighting so hard for a future that most times seems so bleak and unsure. What If this is my forever? What If forever I stay this broken, hurt, sad, little shell of a person...if I do then what is my purpose for fighting so hard? I wish someone could tell me. Help me understand. Tell me that one day things will be okay. That one day I will be stronger, wiser, better. And soon I won't feel like I'm falling anymore but like I am solidly placed in this world. That my life has a meaning, that all my fighting, and suffering, and searching, and agony was not in vain.
For whatever reason I keep going. And I don't walk I run. I don't know why I run but I've been running for 23 years. I run knowing that that cliff can appear at any moment, knocking me down, sucking me in to the darkness. But I always make it out. Then I start running again. Running away from the past and all the memories from it. I don't know why I run. I don't know why I fight. I don't know why I continue to search, but I do. Maybe one day I will know why. Maybe finally I will reach that destination that my legs so desperately want to take me to.
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