Forgiveness Is Not In my Vocabulary

Dear people who are pissing me off,

Tell me why I should forgive him. Tell me what he has done to deserve this. Websters Dictionary defines Forgiving someone as:
1. To give up resentment of or claim to requital for 
2. To grant relief from payment of

3. To cease to feel resentment against an offender

4. To pardon one's enemies

None of these things apply to me. I will NEVER stop resenting him for what he did. I am so sick and tired to death of people telling me I need to forgive him in order to ever move forward. I am moving forward. I move forward daily, every day I get a little bit stronger. Every day I break further and further away from the bad memories of my childhood. I do not need an act of forgiveness to do that. And besides it being defined for us. What the hell is forgiveness? Does that mean my heart will stop hurting? Will forgiving him take away what he did? Will forgiving him make the bad dreams stop? No forgiving him will not do any of those things. I will not "pardon" him for his acts like a stranger bumping into another on a crowded street. My hatred of him safe guards my heart and eases my mind. It lets me see that I am still human. I did not just roll over and take what he did to me. No I am mad. I am angry as hell. My fury fuels my desire to live. It keeps me fighting because I know that as hard as he tried he did not kill who I am.  One day I will be free, one day I will find my smile again. But I will ALWAYS be angry. Why shouldn't I be? He molested me, touching me every chance he had for the first four years of my life, then the rapes started. Eventually I was to old for what he liked and that's when the beatings intensified. Does this person (I cringe at that word to describe him. I more so liken his existence to the  pus that infects the mucous, that crud's up the fungus, that feeds on the pond scum *a line from a favorite movie of mine that I LOVE using to describe him*) deserve any sort of kindness on my part? Is that what your telling me? That I owe something to him after everything he did? Please do not be confused. I owe him nothing. In fact my story isn't about him. It's about me and what I have had to endure because of HIS actions. Why should a rapist be required to receive anything from a victim? Except for maybe castration? That I could totally give to him...without anesthetic. By being free, walking the streets and not rotting behind a jail cell I have already given him more then he ever deserved. These memories of what he did will never ever go away. I live with these in my mind and see them daily. Not forgiving does not cause me to hold on to the past. The fact that It's my past causes me to hold on to the past. Its a part of me. How can I turn a blind eye to the injustices that were done and deny a part of myself? This is what happened to me, this is who I am, as much as it hurts to say it. I AM a survivor of incest. Yet I am also made up of much more. However this has been the thing that has defined me the most. Forgiving him doesn't change that. Forgiving him doesn't give me back those lost 18 years. Forgiving him, doesn't make me let go and "leave the past in the past" as you tell me because the past helped form my future.

Whatever path my future takes good or bad it will always be a reflection of my past. The past got me to this place, now i decide what to do with it. Forgiving him does nothing except say everything he did was okay. If you think I should forgive him as easily as you say, step back and look at the big picture. Pretend that hurt little girl was your daughter, granddaughter, sister, niece, cousin, or friend. Would you just "forgive" that easily? In essence saying that what that man did to them was okay and should be excused? If the sins of child rapists should simply be forgiven then why are the jails so full of them?

Sincerly,

A very angry rape victim