What I've learned so far on my journey

I have been on the journey of life for the past twenty-two years. But I have only been on the journey to heal myself from my abuse as a child since February. It's been five months. I can't say that I'm any happier or stronger then I was five months ago but I have learned a lot about myself, my abuser, and the effects this has had on me. At first I was never going to deal with any of this, I was just going to move on and hope to forget what few memories I had. But repressing was beginning to take it's tole on me. My nightmares were nearly every night. I would wake up crying and hyperventilating. My panic attacks were four or more times per week. I was depressed all the time and things were just getting worse. I stopped sleeping to avoid the nightmares and fell asleep driving almost crashing several times. I realized I needed help. Back in February I thought to myself: "Okay this wont be fun but it should be fairly easy to get over,  people have had it worse" Maybe a month or so after that the harder memories started coming. I remembered being four years old, I remembered sleeping in the living room with him, I remembered him on top of me, I remembered sitting on the floor bleeding and crying. Then other memories started coming out of him being on top of me in other areas of the house, I knew this happened and It had been an on going thing. The body memories intensified, the nightmares got even worse. I was crying everyday and self harming. This is when I started therapy. Now I feel stuck were I was in March, Still getting new memories, still depressed, still having nightmares, still getting panic attacks. What I have learned so far on my journey is that. It wasn't my fault. Yes I have moments or tiny blimps where I blame myself. But I know the fault lies with him. I was younger then two when It started. I was an infant. Not only did I not know it was wrong then, but even if I did, what could I have possibly done? He was over 200lbs and I was probably 30lbs at that age. No contest. I've also learned how incredible the human mind is. My mind knew I wasn't ready to remember before. That must mean I am strong enough to deal with this now because it has finally been released. I have learned that as horrible as it is to remember, it is also nice to have the puzzle pieces fit together again. My whole life had been a gaping hole. Years missing. Time lost. Now I finally see what my life was. And yes it may have been horrible but it made me who I am. Without those experiences I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be as strong as I am. I have learned that I don't have to let him win. I don't have to surrender my soul over to the devil and live a life full of grief and despair. This was what I was prepared to do before. Be forever depressed. Forever damaged, forever broken. That is not my future anymore. I guess that's what I've gained in these last five months. Optimism and hope. I now picture a life for myself five years from now or ten years from now and in that  picture I am happy. There is a picture where there once was a black abyss. If five months gave me that, maybe soon with time that picture will start to become more real, almost attainable. For now, the hope is enough to keep me going. I'm trying to take it slow, continue to grow and move along this path.