Writing assignment:

My Therapist told me on Wednesday to work on this writing assignment. Basically I need to write about why I feel I don't deserve love or someone caring about me. Or why I think I shouldn't heal from this pain and should just live life continuing to hurt. I don't purposefully think this way. I guess It's more of an internal dilemma. It's what I know, what I grew up thinking. I was taught I wasn't worthy of anything. I was taught my purpose in this life was simply to make men happy. I was a toy to be played with for awhile then tossed aside and forgotten about until needed again later. So when some one shows me they care or are concerned, something clicks in my head and I think that their only purpose for caring is because soon they will hurt me, or use me, or destroy me in some way. I trust no one.

Along with this I feel that I was bad when I was little. I think that I could have stopped what happened somehow. Tho I know logically that it was physically impossible for me to stop him. I could have said something, told someone, done something. I just accepted it and in doing so I ruined my chances of leading a normal happy life by allowing myself to have a childhood marred by such tragedy. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve healing or don't deserve the effort it takes to lead a happier life and decrease P.T.S.D symptoms  because I feel like this is my punishment for not telling. I choose not to tell then, so now these are my consequences for those actions. I know I know, everyone will say "you did nothing wrong, it wasn't your fault", blah blah blah. But It was, I could have done more but by not doing anything essentially i betrayed myself. I live with this reality daily, and It eats away at me. I would really love to place blame on him where it belongs. But my mind tells me he doesn't hold all the fault here. I don't know how to get my mind to tell me different.

This writing assignment is stupid and I hate It.

And I know I just said in the Pain post that I do deserve love. Today i feel like I don't. Today I feel like I deserve what happened to me. Today I do not deserve love.