Questions...

Some mornings I wake up and I ask "Why did this happen to me?" But you know what? No one ever answers me back. And if they did, what would they tell me? Would they say what other people have told me? That "Sometimes bad things happen to good people" or "Sometimes things happen that make you stronger. Help you grow." But you see answers like those do nothing because it still doesn't answer why. Why do some people get two parents that love them unconditionally and others don't? And what is unconditional love? Love without limits? Restrictions? Love without expecting anything in return? Why have I never had someone lovin me like this? More then anything I just want to understand. Why me? Why was I singled out? Why was my father so so angry? Do I posses this same type of anger? Is it locked far away, somewhere deep in me waiting to come out? Will it come out when or if I ever become a mother? What if I'm like him? Or what if I'm simply absent minded and weak like her? Allowing the same things to be done, not knowing or pretending not to know. Needed a man so badly that I miss whats in front of my own eyes. Their blood runs though me. I belonged to them. Am I different? Or more of the same, just waiting for the moment to unleash it? How can I be different when I came from such evil? Such Darkness? I was the light in that dark world but they sought to diminish me. Cover my rays. Did they succeed?

I just want to grow, and to become something more then they could have ever been. They wasted their lives hurting others. I want to spend mine uplifting others. Does that make me different? Or were my parents once like me? Did someone also diminish their light? Did someone destroy them the way they did me? Is my only fate to become them? What kind of things have to happen in your life for you to hurt you baby daughter that way, anyway, but especially that way? During it or after does nothing ever click saying "This is wrong" "STOP, THIS IS YOUR BABY, DON'T DO THIS"? I guess I shouldn't seek to understand what goes on inside the mind of a child rapist. I don't want to be able to understand because that would mean I'm like him.
I'm at a loss