Reporting...

As hard of a decision that this was to make and as long as I've waited to do this, I know that I've made the right decision to report him. But I also know that by coming forward I have to be prepared. Prepared to lose even more then I already have. Lose the small bit of family that I have left in my sister and my niece. Lose control over this secret that I've been holding on to for so many years. But I will also gain a lot. By coming forward I'm free. I'm uplifting myself by taking my power back that he so violently stole from me. However to take my power back I have to speak. This has always been the  part of my journey. To just speak and say what happened.  Now I must tell police, advocates, and many others. I will probably have to tell them this over and over and over again. Yet I sit here wondering how on earth I can possible do this. How can I expose all of those ugly dark secrets to complete strangers? Secrets that I've never spoken of before, some of which I have never even brought myself to write about. How? I'm completely scared out of my mind. Yet also excited to finally tell someone my pain who can actually do something to bring me justice. Its a twisted place I'm in. Caught between wanting so badly to do this and thinking I should just continue to bury it, give up, and try my best to move on. I wish someone could tell me what the right thing to do was. This is one of those moments that I really wish I had a mother. Sometimes I'm okay, you know? I feel fine without her here, I've been guiding myself for so long it seems as if i never really needed her. But then I have moments like these. Moments that  it doesn't matter how old you are, all you need is to lay in bed with your mom as she rubs your head and lets you cry yourself to sleep. I need her arms right now comforting me.