Well...its done...

So I did it. I reported. It was completely different that I ever expected. I don't know if i had pictured Olivia Benson swooping down to protect me and catch the bad guy but the experience I got....the cop I got was about a bad as it gets. He was so mean and rude and insensitive...I guess he perfectly prepared me for if this goes to trial and I have to testify in open court. First let me just say, I had to wait for 3 or more hours in the advocates office for him to actually show up because my case wasn't an emergency. So I was already on edge. Then he came right as my advocate stepped out and refused to wait for her. The whole reason we waited there for so long and didn't go to the police station was because I wanted my advocate with me. He did the entire 1st half of the interview without her. I was so scared and nervous. Every-time I started crying he began to tap his pen loudly on his notebook to hurry me up. Then he started asking me things not related to my dad. Questions about my siblings, my mother etc. This would normally be fine if he hadn't wasted 60% of my statement time just talking about my mother. Another 15% he wasted on my brother, 15% more on the other person who raped me with my father. Yes all of this stuff is important but shouldn't we have talked about my father more?! I tried but i felt so rush and like i wasn't answering the questions like he wanted. He didn't even ask me if my father was around any other children that could be in danger. I had to squeeze in the fact that I have a 12-year-old niece that sees him. HE DIDN'T EVEN ASK?! Shouldn't the 1st thing he asks is if children are around him?!

He talked about my mom sooo much. How did she die? When? What did her death certificate say? Where did she work when she was alive? What drugs did she take? ETC ETC ETC Why waste so much time on someone who A. Wasn't my abuser and B. Is dead ? And this just makes me angry. When she was alive, EVERYTHING was about her. What she had overdosed on, what she drank to much of, DUI's, her going into Bipolar rage and going missing, getting hospitalized, ETC. No one ever cared about me. And now even in death she manages to make everything about her. She is really talented. I just needed it to be about me this one time and as usual she stole all the attention i so desperately needed.

The next thing that angered me: I didn't get to talk about any of the other abuse. All this cop wanted to focus on was the 1st rape at 4 and the other person that was involved. Why start on a witch hunt for someone whose face I don't even know when my dad is just right there? Walking around as a free man?

Then the cop got mad when I couldn't answer his questions like How long did that rape occur? How many minutes? I don't know...I was four. I couldn't tell time. But he got mad. And because I couldn't tell him how much blood was everywhere....I don't know it seemed like soo much. But AGAIN i was four...how can I know the amount now?

Then he asked me for my fathers information. I gave him his full name, DOB, city location, and my sisters info so she could give them his address. I even offered to give them his SSN....
Cop: "Well do you have his address?"
Me: "No but he lives in this city, can't you try to find him? His name isn't very common."
Cop: "No, how do you expect us to find him with out a valid address"
Me: "Contact my sister for it"
Cop: "Yeah well we are going to talk to her"
Me: "Your going to talk to him first tho right?"
Cop: "Not if we have to get his address from her"
Me: Can't that be done discreetly? You can get her to give you his contact info without telling her the reasons...you cant talk to her first! she will tell him. You have to talk to him first!"
Cop: "That's not how it works"

WHY? WHY isn't that how it works?! Why tip off the bad guy when they could just work a little harder to get his address a different way? He shouldn't know the cops are coming until they are there....And why can't the cops find him with all the info i provided. I told them the city...its a small population, he would be the only one with that name...cops find people who don't want to be found all the time....if he doesn't know there coming he wouldn't even be hiding. I am so confused and hurt right now. This is the system that's supposed to bring me justice? This cop was horrible but I'm an adult so I can partly deal with it...what if i really was 4 now...is this how he would treat me....just another man hurting me and making me feel worthless.


My heart hurts and I feel like a total failure