Support group tomorrow

Tomorrow is support group and I am the long share person. Meaning I go first, its for up to 15 minutes and I can receive supportive feedback afterward. The topic is: I am able to grieve my childhood and mourn the loss of those who failed me.


I think this is a good topic for me because I have been working on this step for a while on my own. It will be nice to get support from a room full of people as i work on it. It's so hard tho to accept that I was failed by so many who were supposed to love me. It changes the view of them in my head. Like my mother for instance. In my head I've always seen her as a woman lost. Not knowing how to care properly because she was never shown. I excused her behaviors with her mental illness and her own sadness. But her actions can't be excused, I was hers and her job was to keep me safe yet she failed. Failed so horribly. Then she died and never even had the chance to attempt to make anything right. Tho its impossible to ever right a wrong when you don't believe a wrong has even occurred. My mother is right there at the beginning of my pain. I never really mourned her death but I mourn the loss of what could have been. A mother who could see the pain in my eyes and do everything in her power to save me. But I never had that and I never will. I was an innocent child who loved her parents unconditionally. I say unconditionally because I never expected anything in return. They showed me early enough what it mean to lack basic things in life. I never even expected for them to love me back. I just wanted to make them happy and proud of me. So I did the best I could.

So many people failed me. So many saw what was happening or how bad things were getting and did nothing. Those who did anything were ones who wished to contribute to the pain I was already suffering. If one of them, just one had stepped up and done something thing to stop the continuing of evil things could have been so different. All I needed was to be saved by just one person. But no one was brave enough. We as people upon seeing tragedy like to sit on the sidelines and watch. I liken it to seeing a car accident. Everyone slows down to watch but very few will ever actually stop their cars, stop their lives for a moment, get out and rush to assistance. Because that's how this world works. And my life was like a terrible car accident. One of those horrific head on collisions. Leaving people bloody and battered and broken. So no one ever choose to slow down and assist. Then I just got lost in the heap of other boys and girls who no one ever saved. And i stayed that lost child, until I learned how to find and save myself. 

So now its my time to do what no one else ever did. Give that broken child a voice, show her love and save her from the awfulness that surrounds her. Everyday that I write or speak it or cry  about it I let go of a little bit more of the pain that kept that child silent for so long. A friend once told me that what happened is the same as if I got into a horrible accident causing bits of metal to log under my skin all over my body. Every-time I speak its like pulling out a piece of the metal and watching the wound heal. Sometimes I'm surprised at how much was actually lodged in there....as much as I remove there is always more. Sometimes it almost seems like their multiplying. Or going deeper and forming a greater wound. But I am stronger now then that child stuck in that horrible accident called life.

 So i grieve my childhood by saying goodbye to her. Like having a funeral without a body. Similar to what I wrote here HERE Ive said my goodbyes to her in my mind I think the next step for me in this process is to do something. A real something to say good bye. Because I owe her so much. I wouldn't be the woman I am today without her fighting so hard to endure.

Grieving for me is more then just walking around crying and wearing black. Its a chance to honor the deceased, remember them, and honor who them were. I exist today because of a child whose spirit had to die inside of a house filled with rage and anger. I wouldn't be who I am had all those things not happened so I wish to honor who she was. She was smart, funny, loving, trusting, caring, and gentle. She had the ability to love more then she was ever loved herself. She was inquisitive and wanted to know about the world around her. Why was the grass green? Why was the sky blue? She loved asking questions even if they only one she could ask was god. She was independent and wise beyond her years. She was resilient and found ways to smile even when there was nothing to smile about, even when they tried to beat the smile  off of her lips. She lives on inside of me. I love her and want her to be a peace now.

Goodbye little one and thank you for fighting.