11:30pm

To sleep or not to sleep? That Is the question...My mind Is starting to race. The slideshow Is starting again. This happens most when the night falls. Its like a signal warning me not to lay down and rest my eyes. If I close them I let more of the bad things In.

I turn off the light. Lay down. Open my eyes. I can feel his hands On my body. Its not real. I keep saying this. Sometimes I just want to get In the shower and never come out. Just scrub and scrub until the filth runs off. It never does. No matter how hard I try It's always there because Its not on my body anymore It's In my mind. I lay there, shut my eyes tight to keep the memories out. But their stronger then I am. They creep In anyways. I am trapped In a prison In my own head. I am taken back to another time. The disgusting thing washes over me. I let It In. I let my self remember. I am four. He tells me It's time for bed. He lays on the living room floor and motions for me to follow. I lay next to him. Devil's hands cover my mouth I can barely breath. Devil climbs on top of me. I have fire between my legs. Devil grins down at me "This Is what daddy's do to show their love" he says. And I believe him. I was supposed to let daddy love me right?

I don't understand why I remember these things after I move away. After I'm safe. After I was becoming happy. Now I am being consumed daily by these horrible memories. Life was easier when all of this ugliness was pushed into the back of my mind. Now that I've let It out what do I do with It? 

Writing helps. People say "Write it down so you can move on". But that Isn't even possible. There Is no "moving on". The only thing that exists now Is simply being. Existing. Getting by. Managing. Surviving the now. Waking up each morning,  carrying on with the day. Until that day ends and I go to sleep, wake up and do the entire thing over again. To much has happened to ever get over It or "move on". I've seen to much, felt to much, and survived to much to ever be normal. And what Is normal? Who's normal? What does being normal even feel like?

When will I ever sleep like a "normal" person? That's something I'd like to know. I wish the bad dreams would go away. And not just the ones that happen at night but the ones that play like a movie In my head. Sleep or awake everywhere I go I see him, and everything I do I feel his hands as they take my body and make It his.

But my body doesn't belong to him anymore. It's mine. So how do I control It? How do I sleep? When will I find my peace?