I will not be bought

I think the thing that makes me maddest Is the gifts. Him thinking my body could be bought In exchange for dolls and jewelry. Like the toys that were left outside my door the next morning suddenly made up for  all of the hurt he inflicted upon me. Did his apologies mean anything? Was he actually truly sorry? If so, why did he continue to do It? " I'm sorry I hurt you baby, I"ll never do It again." "Do you like that barbie I got you? Would you like more?" Where was his logic coming from? Turning his youngest daughter In to a cheap slut. The fact that I thought that was a normal thing for daddy's and daughters to do and that I played with those toys and wore that jewelry makes me sick to my stomach. I never knew It was wrong because It's all I ever knew. I was supposed to do this and when It was over he was supposed to give me gifts. This Is how my world worked. But It was a secret world. No one could know because daddy's shared this special time with their daughters and you couldn't tell because then other people would get jealous and be sad. My secret world was controlled both mentally and with violence. So I kept my mouth shut and did what he asked, afterwards laying In bed wondering what present I would find the next morning. I always thought In order to get things that I wanted I had to make other people happy. I knew this Is how It worked but It still made me feel dirty and hurt and made me sad and I couldn't understand why.

My body can't be bought. I am more then that no matter what he thought. I deserved to be loved and cared for without anyone demanding anything In return. I was used and tricked and It wasn't my fault or a reflection of the kind of woman I am today. Even tho I feel broken and damaged beyond repair I am not. I will not allow what he did to me to break my spirit. I am more then what my father made me.

This is what I am going to say to my self today, hopefully eventually I will believe It.