Write about what you've lost, what was taken, what was destroyed. Write about the extent of the damage. Write about the things you need to grieve for. This is a chance to give a voice to your pain, and to write how you feel about your loss.
At first I felt stupid crying and getting so upset about something that happened so long ago. It's over I'm safe now so why are these tears still falling? I also thought It was silly for me to even be sharing my story because other people have It so much worse. Who was I to complain? But I've realized that EVERY experience counts, EVERY story matters...even mine.
When ever someone dies there Is a mourning process for those that he or she left behind. Everyone somehow grieves for what was lost. They cry, they scream, they get angry. They express them selves. They let their feelings out.
The same process should happen for a child who was sexually abused. They should be able to cry, scream, and get angry for what they lost, for what was taken from them. If a child Is abused and someone intervenes, stops it, and gets the them help. They can start healing then and there. Maybe the damage can be lessened. But what happens to kids like me? Ones who no one stepped In to save...Do we have to save ourselves? I never got to cry, I never got to scream, I NEVER got to get angry. He hit me, molested me, and raped me and Instead of crying over It I went on with life. I got up the next day and went to kindergarten. And every time he hurt me In some way I lost a part of my self. That little girl died In that house, my father killed her spirit, her laugh, and her ability to trust. He killed everything that was important. I need to mourn for what was lost. What she lost. That little one didn't get a saving, or intervention then. But I get one now. I want to cry, and scream and get angry until there's no anger left. I can't move forward until that need Is met. I have to look all of this hurt In the eye and fight It with every ounce of myself.
He took away my ability to choose, my choice of saying no. He took away experiences that I never got to have, relationships I never got to build. He took away my discovery of sex on my own. He took possession over my virgin body and did what he wished with It. Now no matter how far I am on my journey sex will ALWAYS be linked to bad, evil, hurtful things. His actions made me question the motives of every man I ever come In contact with. The physical acts left less scars then the emotional scars. I have to grieve for what was done to my body, my soul, and to my mind.
It WILL be hard but this Is the only way I can come out on the other side. It's going to take time, It can't be rushed. Every new memory that emerges must be dealt with. When I wrote about the crib scene, the 1st memory I have. And when I cried over It and let myself really feel It, The dreams about It stopped. Now that memory doesn't feel as hurtful as It did before. I am growing, I am making progress.
I have to keep writing, I have to keep feeling, I have to cry, and scream, and I have to get angry. I have to let the feelings out before they tighten their grip they have on me. "You have a lot to grieve for. You grieve for your violation, abandonment, shame, and fear. You grieve for your losses In the past and In the present, for the harm that was done to you, the wounding you now must heal, the time and energy It takes, the money It costs, the relationships ruined, the pleasures missed. You grieve for the opportunities lost while you were busy coping. You grieve for the shattered image of a world that is just, where children are cared for, where people respect each other. You must mourn your lost innocence." - The Courage To Heal book
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