Talking

I worry about ever talking about my story. Good or bad It's still my life. Everyone has stories about when they were a kid that they share. I find it difficult to contribute because my good childhood memories were few and far between. So since I have no good things to share do I Just sit there quietly when other people engage in a conversation? When do I ever get to talk about my life? Yeah I can come on here and write but Is that supposed to be enough?

My mom Is dead. I lost her and I feel lost without her. I never talk about her. Her memory is fading away and now all that's left Is a crate of her old things. The more time that passes the more she disappears. She may have made some bad decisions but she tried. Maybe not to the best of her abilities but maybe she didn't know what her best was. She deserves to be remembered. She deserves to be talked about. And I deserve to talk about her. I deserve to remember everything about her. And I deserve to miss her.

She was beautiful, kind, loving, caring, sensitive, and complex. I miss everything about her. But mostly I miss her voice, her laughter, and what It felt like when she would lay down next to me and rub my head until I fell asleep. Even when I was 17. I could wish to have had the best mom In the world. But I was given her. And shes the one I want.



My dad was an evil abuser. Sometimes I want to scream that from the roof tops. Sometimes I wish the whole world knew and that I didn't have to fear being judged or looked at differently. When do I get to talk about that? And no not to a computer screen but to a real life person.

I hate telling people because then they look at me and only see a victim. Suddenly all the other things I've accomplished are insignificant and I am made up solely of the abuse that was inflicted upon me."I want people to see my resilience not all my pain."(quote from someone on www.pandys.org )  I want them to hear what I have to say and look at me and see my strength. Yes I'm a victim but I survived It, and I get up and I live life everyday. Don't judge what you don't understand. Please.

If I never talk about It how do I grow? Obviously It doesn't need to be dinnertime conversation all the time. But It DOES need to be accepted and put out there. What happened to me made me who I am. By shutting It out I am being denied a part of myself. By shutting It out I continue to blame myself and pretend none of  It happened. By shutting It out....Devil wins. He silenced me for long enough. Somehow I need to put my brave pants on and learn to talk about It. And I need to find people who are worth hearing It.