I cant remember everything he did. Sometimes I'm scared for those memories to come back and other times I wish they would. It's my life and there are so many gaps and holes In It. Not only Is most of the bad stuff blocked out but also the good. There had to be some good times right? I know that I was abused sexually from baby to age eight and later
on when I was eleven. I remember maybe five incidents fully but I know that It
also happened multiple times a week I just can't remember much of It. I
see things In flashes and small bits In my mind. Its not that I want to
remember every horrible thing that happened to me but I want to
understand more of exactly what happened. I feel like I cant let go of
some of the feelings attached to It If I cant remember more. I remember him being on top of me, sweating on me, his weight crushing me. And I remember being In pain. But I don't remember the process of actually being raped. Was I raped? Am I simply crazy? Why can't I remember? Maybe he climbed off? Maybe he decided not to take It that far? Why does my mind want to believe this but my heart says otherwise?
He stole my life from me. My memories aren't even my own.
i am no expert by any means, but i have learned that the mind often blocks memories that are just too painful. That often rape victims (please dont be offended by the term victim, but i couldnt think of a better one) will block our these events, or black out during them, as a coping mechanism. it's your mind and body's way of trying to protect you as as best it can
ReplyDeleteI'm not offended thanks for the feedback. Yea I've been learning a lot about the effects of sexual abuse on children later In life, and blocking memories Is a protection. If I remembered everything I would probably go insane. Sometimes If I sit In a quiet dark room alone for a long time I can bring more memories to the surface so sometimes If I want to remember more of an incident I will do this. But mostly they come back on their own when their ready to. It usually happens before bed or when I'm sleeping. That way I can deal with each memory as It presents It's self instead of trying to rush through. I'm just trying to take It slow.
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