Letters

A year ago I admitted what actually happen. I told a friend and I feel like I've been on a downward spiral ever sense. Slowly battling all of this and I feel like I'm completely alone even tho I know I am not. I told and then I didn't know what to do so I left It alone and didn't talk about It very often. It just turned Into something that happened when I was a kid. Not something that I was still struggling with. So I took that big leap. I told. Then I regressed back Into my shell and hid from what I told. I can't do that again. Keep going back and forth and never accomplishing anything. My new resolve Is to see change. Everyone makes New Years Resolutions. Mine this year Is to simply grow. Learn who I am and maybe actually be truly happy for once. That feels like a long way off. Maybe even unattainable but I can try.

When I told my friend I felt like a 500lb weight had been lifted off of my back. I could finally breath. She of course reassured and tried to help as much as possible. But our lives are vastly different. Very few people understand me. But I appreciated her efforts and that meant more to me then anything else because I didn't need her to "help" me all I needed was for someone to listen and actually believe what I had to say. And she did. She also talked to her mom and asked for help. Her mom has gone through a lot of tough things In her own life and was more better equipped to handle this sort of thing. So I talked to her mom. Its helped a little. She had me write letters to both of my parents(letters I obviously would never send) and give them to her so I wrote. I wish I would have said more. Wrote out more of what my head was screaming but I didn't. Now as I look at these letters I consider burning them. Maybe watching them go up in flames will some how relieve me. I'm not going to write what I put In the letters because It's too angry and I don't feel like being angry right now. Maybe one day I will before I burn them. But here's what my friends mom wrote In response to my letters.
(what I highlight are the points that I really want to remember)
12/13/2010

(Insert my name here),

Your poor darling girl. I sort of suspected what happened with your dad, as well as the feelings that you have. I am very sorry you have had to experience these things. Your anger is justified, you have been victimized by the very people who are supposed to care for you and keep you safe. Being angry about what you experienced Is normal.


Your dad stepped over the line and that is horrifying for you and he was wrong. And now he has denied what he did and you cant change him. But you can change your future going forward. Your mother dying because of alcohol and drug abuse is further abandonment for you and being mad at her is very normal to. In both of these situations I would be surprised If you weren't angry.

Unfortunately, you are a victim of your parent's weaknesses and the intensity of those experiences have really impacted your life. Parents are supposed to love and care for their children, however we constantly hear about parents that don't do that, and It is very sad and makes for a very messed society. Thankfully we have out loving god that we can trust and count on and look to for support and guidance. You and I are so fortunate because we DO have that love; and he can cancel out all the bad experiences that we have If we let him. We know that In his promised new world we will feel love and happiness like we cant even imagine. That is really something to keep our eyes focused on. In the meantime, we rely on him to help us through our struggles, talking to him like the loving parent that he Is to us. He hurts when we hurt, he rejoices In our joys.

Continue to write down your feelings. Write a letter a day if it helps. You can give them to me to read, or just write them. Tell your mom and dad what you wish they had done for you, instead of what they did. Tell them they didn't do their job to protect you and care for you. Tell them you didn't deserve any of what happened to you, because you are a bright and wonderful gift and they didn't honor that. They didn't cherish the gift they were given; Instead they let their weaknesses try to destroy you. Tell them that you will not be overcome with sadness In spite of the circumstances you left behind. It didn't destroy you, It didn't beat you. Their weaknesses have not become yours. They hurt you and made you feel very small and unloved. but you are rising above that and above their words, their actions, and their hurts.

I totally understand how you are  feeling...(this is where she goes on to tell me her own story which I will not share because It's not mine to do so)

But none of how you were treated is who you are. You are important, you have the opportunity to be a wonderful,caring, giving person. You can get up everyday and choose who you will be despite what has been done to you. Despite the angry, sad past that you have had. Despite the terrible things you've endured, you CAN overcome and be, not just a survivor, but someone who lives and loves despite the lack thereof.

Even If you don't believe It at first, each day stand In the mirror and tell yourself: Today I have value. I am important to god who loves me more then any person can, and I ave value to others around me. I will choose to be kind and caring. I will try to find good things to think and say about other people. When I do these things and people respond It will help me feel good about myself." Look for ways to show kindness to others and to be loving even If It takes effort. This will help you overcome the smallness you feel Inside. Because when you impact others and see results. It uplifts you.

Because we have been hurt deeply, you and I both know that we are not alone. So many people out there are struggling with their pain. They suffer and lash out at others because of It. What things happened In your mothers life to cause her to abandon her children, and allow a man she married to hurt you and find contentment In a bottle of pills and alcohol? What things happened In your fathers life that caused him to forget his responsibility to keep his child safe and instead take his rage and hurt out on you? I ask these questions because along with anger and pain, there will need to come some understanding.  It Is necessary, because the most important thing to understand about what you have experienced Is: IT IS NOT YOU! There Is nothing wrong with you, that caused them to act like this. There was nothing wrong with you, that made them forget to parent or be responsible or to love you In the way they should have. IT WAS NOT YOU!

The sooner you begin to understand that, and realize It was their weaknesses and their personal pain, the sooner you can begin to love yourself the way they didn't. To love the girl that was hurt and give her the life, love and family she deserves. It will have to come from you, because  It didn't come from them, and It won't. That's sad, but It's the reality. We wish In our hearts that It would be different, but It isn't. So we acknowledge It and find love In everyday things and try to uplift ourselves so that we can uplift others.

You are a victim, but you don't have to live a victim's life. When I learned that the things that happened to me weren't my fault, I started to grow because I realized I wasn't defective. What I see reflected In the eyes of others when I am kind and caring, help me everyday to find value. It Is still a struggle 50 years later, but I have so much peace In my heart because I know that my children will never have to know the pain and suffering that I did. That's how you change It. You struggle, But you decide to make It better for yourself going forward.

You will have a good life. You are 21 years old and far ahead of where I was at your age. I didn't get help until I was almost 30 and It took almost 10 years of therapy to find my way out. I didn't have anyone to talk to besides a paid therapist. You have so much more. You have our hope In god, Your friends who help you laugh,  and an entire congregation and me who really care about you.

You can survive this. You can cry whenever you need to. But then look at yourself and say "I'm not going to let this define me. I will be the best I can be, despite the worst that has happened!"

And then live. So keep writing girlie.
With much love

                             (Insert her name here)




Had I followed the advice In this letter a year ago I could possibly be In a different place now. Instead I read It, cried, read It a few more times and then put It away and never looked at It again because I didn't think It applied to me. I wasn't this girl that she was talking to that deserved to be loved, that was loved. I was some one else. So I never looked In the mirror and said those things to myself. I never kept writing. However I should have.

This year means change for me. And I don't want to be sitting In this same spot a year from now still feeling these same feelings. Even If at times I feel that I'm not worth it I know that's just the devil getting in my head. Still finding ways to make me hurt and fool me with his words even when hes not around. But If I listen to him In my head telling me I'm not important, and that I'm not worth anything then he wins. I have to become more. I do deserve It and I am worth It. I'm going to say that over and over again until one day I actually believe It.