Dear Diary,

I do not care If any one reads this or not. I'm simply writing this to clear my head and the whole pen to paper idea doesn't seem to be working for me. Laziness I guess. First entry here It goes.

Dear Diary,

Today I feel defeated. I feel Like a small fish In the big ocean. Everything I do fails and at the moment my head Is going full speed with "pictures" from my past. I call them pictures because that's what It looks like In my head. Like a slideshow. I think these pictures are eating me alive. It feels like there's a hole where my heart Is supposed to be. When I close my eyes I see darkness. A dark room. In this room Is a crib, and In that crib there I lay. The crib bars surround me. I am crying. I cry because I am hungry or because I'm wet or lonely or maybe because I want my mother. I cry for all of the millions of reasons that babies cry. Until my door opens and the sound of his boots walking closer and closer to my crib gives me something else to cry about.

When I was born darkness cast its shadows over me. The devil himself kissed me on the cheek. That devil was my father.

I don't know how old I was the night that my father left my room but I know I was younger then two. This Is the first memory I have of my life. I also remember his smell and his hands and that when he left I felt broken, hurt,shattered, exposed and confused. I don't know what he did to me exactly. This I cant see. Maybe I'm not ready to see It. But I know this incident changed who I was supposed to become.

This makes me angry! That my father the one who was supposed to love and guide me through life Is the one who could hurt me In this way. When I see other girls with their dads girls who complain about how "daddy wont give me money" or "my dad is so annoying" It literally makes me sick to my stomach. They have no idea what they have. I grew up with a dad who had two faces. He was charming and handsome and loving and made me want to be his daughter. Then night came and he was evil. Thinking of nighttime daddy makes my skin crawl. He played his game well and everyone was fooled. I was just a tiny bug caught In his web of lies. Only now 22 years old and away from him for 3 years can I start to realize that what he did was wrong and wasn't my fault. How could he look at me a small child and see anything sexual? Babies are warmness, smiles, laughs, and play. What kind of person would want to destroy that? I guess no one can ever answer these questions for me. I have to accept this. Anyways explanations wont solve or fix what has already been done. Nothing will. I am a victim of Incest. THERE I SAID IT. Acknowledging it makes it real. But that doesn't heal me. I am a broken bird with tattered wings.

How do I fix my heart with these huge gaping holes in it? Do I pretend I'm okay and patch them up with fake smiles and laughter? What If the patches fall off and I'm left feeling defeated again? Do I spend thousands of dollars talking to therapists about all of my many problems hoping that 10 years later I will somehow be "normal" whatever that Is? I'll go with the first option for now. Pretending I'm fine and putting a smile on my face. If I smile I seem happy and then no one will know the pain inside me. Some know what happened but think I'm "healed" so they don't ask questions and smiles don't lie right?

Sometimes I wish that someone would see past It and try to save me. Take me Into their arms and let me cry and give me what I crave so much. Human contact. The right kind of contact that reassures and tells you your safe and loved. No one tells me I'm loved not since my mom died. She was my world, my sun, moon, and stars above me. But she was "sick" and left me to soon. Now I feel alone and without purpose. I miss her and yet at the same time I'm angry at her. Where was she when he was hurting me? Why didn't she protect me? Why didn't she see what was happening? Did she see and simply choose not to act? If so maybe she doesn't deserve my tears and my heart missing her. Maybe her pills and alcohol made her happier then I did. I will never know. What I know Is today I feel defeated. Today I feel alone.Today I remember things that I didn't remember yesterday. Today I have flashbacks where I feel like a little girl again. Where I feel like his hands are rolling over my body now. His eyes creeping up on me now. But Its not happening now. Its not real. This Is what happens today. Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow will be better.

I'm trying to heal. I am trying to move on. This Is a slow moving hard process. This is MY first step.